Maybe that's the age when kids should go to college.
It Doesn't Work After That.
GS
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)
1. You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out
later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10
2.WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then..
-- Camille, age 10
3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8
4.WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8
5.WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure?)
- On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10
6.WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7 (Love her)
-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7
-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8
7.IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )
8.HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8
And the #1 Favorite is......
9.HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 9
GREAT ! But
now I'll have to figure out which of these I'll want to refer to me when I get
Old. GS
“Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest.” Larry Lorenzon
“The older I get, the better I used to be.” Lee Trevino "You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead."John Mendoza
"I
was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they
get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final
exam." George Carlin
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap."Bob Hope
"I’m 59 and people call me middle-aged. How many 118-year-old men do you know?"Barry Cryer
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast."Anonymous
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. Then, you only have to remember it.”George Burns
Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” Maurice Chevalier
"Getting older. I used to be able to run a 4-minute mile, bench press 380pounds, and tell the truth."Conan O’Brien
"I have reached an age when, if someone tells me to wear socks, I don’t have to." Albert Einstein
"Grand
children don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s
married to a grandmother that does."J. Norman Collie
"You know you are getting old when everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work." Hy Gardner
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." Mark Twain
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks."Joel Plaskett
"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure."Dennis Wolfberg
"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else."Josh Billings
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for."Unknown
"Old
age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because
there are fewer articles to read." George Burns
"The idea is to die young as late as possible." Ashley Montagu
“You
know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder
what else you could do while you’re down there.”George Burns
"People
ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday.
I tell them, a paternity suit."George Burns
"Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician." Anonymous
Regarding Youth...and Age: "Dove vai? ALLA FESTA!! Da dove viene?
"....la festa".
GS
Famous words of Wisdom! "To get back to my youth I would do anything in the world, except exercise, get up early, or be respectable."Oscar Wilde "The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for."Will Rogers "We
must recognize that, as we grow older, we become like old cars –more
and more repairs and replacements are necessary."C.S. Lewis "Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard there is nothing you can do about it."Golda Meir "I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." Bill Dane "The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened.Mark Twain "Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself."Tom Wilson "Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your retirement home."Phyllis Diller "I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet."Rita Rudner "I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do."Phyllis Diller "Nice to be here? At my age, it’s nice to be anywhere." George Burns "Don't let aging get you down. It's too hard to get back up" John Wagner "First
you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your
zipper up, then you forget to pull your zipper down." Leo Rosenberg “Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.” Kitty O’Neill Collins “Old people shouldn’t eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” Robert Orben "It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." Unknown "At my age, flowers scare me." George Burns “I
have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to
stay up late to just wanting to go to bed."Unknown "At age 20,
we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what
they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of
us at all."Ann Landers "When I was young, I was called a
rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered
eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and
I’m labeled senile."George Burns "I complain that the years
fly past, but then I look in a mirror and see that very few of them
actually got past."Robert Brault "The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." Unknown "As
you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I
can't remember the other two."Sir Norman Wisdom “It’s
paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone,
but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.”Andy Rooney
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. - Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
I was married by a judge I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat - Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was: ' SHUT UP .' - Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - W. C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. - Billy Crystal
And the cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good spit it out. -
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Are You As Smart As Old Doberman?
An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost.
Wandering about, he notices a lion heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the lion is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious lion! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young lion halts his attack in mid-stride, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the lion, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the lion. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the lion, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the lion.
The young lion is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old Doberman sees the lion coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says……..
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another lion!”
Moral of this story… Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
If you don't send this to two 'old' goats right away, there will be two fewer people laughing in the world.
Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged’.
You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?
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And ending with a WSJ borrowed joke
about the universe's greatest Physician: GOD, STANDING ON HIGH WITH AN ANGEL,
LOOKING DOWN ON THE MESSED-UP EARTH: "LOOKS LIKE I SHOULD NOT HAVE
TAKEN SUNDAY OFF". (Yes, God definitely has a sense of
humor). GS
You know: it's mainly your fault with the posters I convert these into at the office. My patients get Lockjaw from laughing while waiting for their turn.
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein
“War is God’s way of teaching Americans geography.” – Ambrose Bierce
“It
would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now
that money is desperately needed for political ads.” – Andy Borowitz
“At
every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home
and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each
other.” – Ann Landers
“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant
“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill
“The
surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is
that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.” – Buddy Hackett
“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.” – Caroline Rhea
“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel
“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry
“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.” – George Burns
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.” – Benjamin Franklin
I just finished the new book
"All About Me - My Remarkable Life In Show Business", by Mel
Brooks.
It's certainly worth "the price
of admission" - especially if you regard humor and fall-down laughing as
the best medicine.
But this autobiography turned out to
be a trip down memory lane for me. For the early years of Melvin Kaminsky in
the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn and of George Sprecace in the Little Italy
- Belmont section of the Bronx turn out to have been very similar.
We shared the Depression . But we
shared a lot of other things:
Tootsie Rolls; Egg Creams; Balsa and
airplane glue and rubber band model airplanes; hand-made scooters with wooden
boxes and roller skates; "off the stoop"; stickball; always the last
one picked for ball games, into the outfield; push carts on the streets - my
grandfather raised his family with one; every weekend double features...for 5
cents....
And then came a bonus. Mel Brooks
loved real Italian spaghetti and meatballs...and Anne Bancroft was
Italian!
Anna Maria Louisa Italiano was born
and raised in the Belmont - Little Italy section of the Bronx. I knew that
there was something in her eyes and in her mannerisms that always held my
attention. What a great pair, for four decades until her death.
So, this book is a real bonus for
me. "Try it. You'll like it".
GS
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VA-VA-VOOM!!!
GS...BUT THEN, YOU ALREADY KNOW THAT!
> CALLER: > Is this Pizza Hut? > > GOOGLE: > No sir, it’s Google Pizza. > > CALLER: > I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry. > > GOOGLE: > No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month. > > CALLER: > OK. I would like to order a pizza. > > GOOGLE: > Do you want your usual, sir? > > CALLER: > My usual? You know me? > > GOOGLE: >
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you
ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni,
mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust. > > CALLER: > Super! That’s what I’ll have. > > GOOGLE: >
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula,
sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust? > > CALLER: > What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza! > > GOOGLE: > Your cholesterol is not good, sir. > > CALLER: > How the hell do you know that? > > GOOGLE: >
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical
records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years. > > CALLER: > Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol. > > GOOGLE: >
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly.
According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol
tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago. > > CALLER: > I bought more from another Pharmacy. > > GOOGLE: > That doesn’t show on your credit card statement. > > CALLER: > I paid in cash. > > GOOGLE: > But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement. > > CALLER: > I have other sources of cash. > > GOOGLE: >
That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them
using an undeclared income source, which is against the law! > > CALLER: > WHAT THE HELL! > > GOOGLE: > I’m sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you. > > CALLER: >
Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter,
WhatsApp and all the others. I’m going to an island without the
internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or
spy on me. > > GOOGLE: > I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago… > 😎
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WHY TEACHERS DRINK
The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds) Q. Name the four seasons A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. How is dew formed A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election Q. What are steroids A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope) Q... What happens to your body as you age A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true) Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes A.. Premature death Q. What is artificial insemination A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow Q. How can you delay milk turning sour A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen) A..
The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the
abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains
the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels:
A,E,I,O,U (wtf!) Q. What is the fibula? A.. A small lie Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A.. Nearby Q. What is the most common form of birth control A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work) Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section' A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome Q. What is a seizure? A.. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) Q. What is a terminal illness A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)
AND THE BEST IS LAST: ::
Q. What is a turbine? A..
Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches
puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we’re
getting somewhere)
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A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO, WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE
FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE
CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT
BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT
GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID
FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE
CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE
WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO
REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE
GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M
SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."
Rapid Response for MONDAY and TUESDAY, February 15 and 16, 2021
...AND PROUD OF IT!
GS
Darn, I'm older than dirt!!
Someone
asked the other day......What was your favourite fast food when you
were growing up? We didn’t have fast food when I was growing up I
informed him. C’mon seriously All the food was slow .' Where did you eat?' 'It was a place called 'home,' I explained! 'Mom
cooked every day and when Dad got home from work,we sat down together
at the dining room table, & if I didn't like what she put on my
plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it .'
By
this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to
suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how
I had to have permission to leave the table. Here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it: Some
parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf
course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. My parents never drove me to school. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow) . We
didn't have a television in our house until I was 13. It was, of
course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 11, after
playing the national anthem and a poem about God. It came back on the
air at about 6 a.m. And there was usually a locally produced news and
farm show on, featuring local people ...
I never had a
telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you
could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know
weren't already using the line. Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was & so was bread . All
newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers
-- my brother delivered a newspaper, six days a week. He had to get up
at 5 AM every morning . Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut.
At least, they did in the movies! There were no movie ratings because
all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing,
without profanity or violence or most anything offensive .
If
you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to
share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just
don't blame me if they bust their gut laughing. Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it ? MEMORIES : My
Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and
he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a
stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was,
but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a
salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end
of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have
steam irons. Man, I am old . How many do you remember ? Head lights dimmer switches on the floor . Ignition switches on the dashboard . Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards . Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner . Using hand signals for cars without turn signals .
Older Than Dirt Quiz : Count all the ones that you remember , NOT the ones you were told about ! Ratings at the bottom .
1. Candy cigarettes 2. Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes 3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles 4. Party lines on the telephones 5. Newsreels before the movie 6.
TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were
there until TV shows started again in the morning. (there were only 3
channels!! If you had a TV!! 7. Pea-shooters 8. Howdy Doody 9. 45 RPM records 10. 78 rpm records 11. Hi-fi records 33 1/3 rpm 12. Metal ice trays with lever 13. Blue flashbulb 14. Cork popguns 15. Studebakers 16. Wash tub wringers
If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age, & If you remembered 11-16 = You're older than dirt !!! THAT'S ME !!!
I might be older than dirt but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.
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My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...
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Rapid Response for SUNDAY, December 6,
2020
RR#1
WOW! TERRIFIC. If
I ever get a fancy phone to replace my flip-top, I'm gonna put this on
it...as the ultimate medical test to see if a person is dead or not. If he or she doesn't move to this...he's Dead.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. ————————– Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children. ————————– The sermon this morning: “The Lord Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for The Lord.” ————————– Ladies,
don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things
not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands. ————————– Don’t let worry kill you off — let the Church help. ————————– Miss Charlene Mason sang ‘I will not pass this way again,’ giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. ————————– For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs. ————————– Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get. ————————– Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. ————————– A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. ————————– At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be ‘What Is Hell?’ Come early and listen to our choir practice. ————————– Eight
new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new
members and to the deterioration of some older ones. ————————– Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. ————————– The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. ————————– Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM, prayer and medication to follow. ————————– The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. ————————– This
evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from
the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. (the g was
missing) ————————– The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies
of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the
pancake breakfast next Sunday. ————————– Low Self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door. ————————– The
eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s “Hamlet” in the Church
basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this
tragedy. ————————– Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the Church hall. Please use large double door at the side entrance. ————————– And this one just about sums them all up: The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: ‘I Upped My Pledge — Up Yours.’
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Why we love children
1) NUDITY I
was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a
woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark
naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents '
3) KETCHUP A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked,
'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1 While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a cop? Yes,'
I answered and continued writing the report. My mother said if I ever
needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?'
'Yes, that's right,right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my shoe?'
6) POLICE # 2 It
was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked. 'It sure is,' I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One
day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As
I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she
merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling
that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small
box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal
of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE A little boy opened the big family Bible He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly,
something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at
it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the
pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'
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Irish Fisherman
The rain was pouring down outside O'Connor's Irish Pub. There
standing in front of a big puddle outside the pub was an old Irishman,
drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of string dangling in the water. A passer-by stopped and asked him, "What are you doing? “Fishing”, replied the old man. Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, “Come in out of the rain and have a drink with me”. In
the warm ambiance of the pub, as they sip their whiskies, the
gentleman, being a bit of a superior smart ass, cannot resist asking,
"So, how many fish have you caught today?" "You're the 8th", replied the old man.
Mike and Joe, two good long friends and also avid baseball players,
made a promise to each other:
whoever dies first will tell the other if there is baseball in Heaven.
Well, today Mike passed on. True to his word, that night he comes to
Joe in a dream.
Joe asks: "Is there baseball in Heaven?"
Mike has two answers, one good and one not so good.
"The good news: There is baseball in Heaven.
The not-so-good- news: You're pitching day after tomorrow."
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CAR KEYS
They
weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must
have left
them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband
has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.
He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the
parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I
immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that
I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen .
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: I
left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There
was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but
then I heard his voice. "Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I
dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and
get me."
He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this
cop that I didn't steal your d@#n car!"
"Welcome to the Golden Years"
-
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A PHYSICIAN FOR NEARLY 62 YEARS...
and still waiting for one of these experiences.
GS
>
> >> 1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My
> wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
> >>
> >> I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted
> the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
> >>
> >> Suddenly I noticed that there were several
cabs - -
> -
> >> and I was in the wrong one.
> >>
> >> Submitted by Dr. Mike MacDonald,
> >> San Francisco
> >>
> >> 2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a
> stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female
> patient's anterior chest wall.
> >>
> >> 'Big breaths,’ I instructed.
> >> 'Yes, they used to be,’ Replied the patient.
> >>
> >> Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
> >> Seattle, WA
> >>
> >> 3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news
when
> I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive
> myocardial infarct.
> >>
> >> Not more than five minutes later, I heard her
> reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
> 'massive internal fart.'
> >>
> >> Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
> >>
> >> 4. During a patient's two week follow-up
> appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his
> doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
> medications.
> >> 'Which one?’ I asked.
> >> 'The patch.'
> >> 'The Nurse told me to put on a new one every
> six hours
> >> and now I'm running out of places to put
> it!'
> >>
> >> I had him quickly undress and discovered what
I
> hoped I wouldn't see.
> >>
> >> Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his
body!
> >> Now, the instructions include removal of the
old
> patch before applying a new one.
> >>
> >> Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair,
> >> Norfolk, VA
> >>
> >> 5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly
> patient, I asked,
> >> 'How long have you been bedridden?'
> >>
> >> After a look of complete confusion she
answered,
> >> ' Why, not for about twenty years - when my
> husband was alive.'
> >>
> >> Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson,
> >> Corvallis, OR
> >>
> >> 6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one
> morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So
> how's your breakfast this morning?'
> >> 'It's very good except for the Kentucky
> Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' Bob
> replied.
> >>
> >> I then asked to see the jelly and Bob
produced a
> foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
> >>
> >> Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf,
> >> Detroit
> >>
> >> 7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
when a
> young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker
> Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos,
> >> and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was
> quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis,
> so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.
> >>
> >> When she was completely disrobed on the
operating
> table,
> >> the staff noticed that her pubic hair had
been dyed
> green
> >> and above it there was a Tattoo that read . .
> .' Keep off the grass.'
> >>
> >> Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a
> short note on the patient's dressing, Which said,
> 'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'
> >>
> >> Submitted by RN no name,
> >>
> >> AND FINALLY!!
> >>
> >> 8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in
OB,
> >> I was quite embarrassed when performing female
> pelvic exams.
> >> To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously
> formed a habit of whistling softly.
> >>
> >> The middle-aged lady upon whom I was
performing
> this exam suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing
> me.
> >>
> >> I looked up from my work and sheepishly said
. .
> ..
> >> ' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
> >>
> >> She replied with tears running down her
cheeks from
> laughing so hard . . ..
> >>
> >> ' No doctor but the song you were whistling
> was,
> >> ' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
> >>
> >> Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....
> >>
> >> 1 MORE
> >> Baby's First Doctor Visit
> >>
> >> This made me laugh out loud.
> >> I hope it will give you a smile!
> >>
> >> A woman and a baby were in the doctor's
> examining room,
> >> waiting for the doctor to come in for the
> baby's first exam.
> >>
> >> The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked
> his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby
> was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
> >> 'Breast-fed,' she replied.
> >>
> >> 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the
> doctor ordered.
> >>
> >> She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed,
kneaded,
> and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional
> and detailed examination.
> >>
> >> Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor
said,
> >> 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You
> don't have any milk.'
> >>
> >> 'I know,' she said, 'I'm his
> Grandma, but I'm glad I
> came.'
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"BARABING E BIRABONG."
GS / PS
“2018 Tax Return”
**********
I just received my tax return for 2018 back from the IRS. It puzzles
me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all
dependents?"
I replied: 12 million illegal immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42
million unemployed people on food stamps,
2 million people in over 243 prisons; Half of Mexico; and 535 persons
in the U.S. House and Senate."
They said this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF, WHO THE HECK DID I MISS?
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Rapid Response for
FRIDAY,
February 8,
2019
FUNNNNYY...AND
MOSTLY TRUE!
GS
Great
Quotes of A Sexual Nature By Famous Folks "There
are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 560SL."
*Lynn Lavner "Sex
is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are
unimportant." *George
Burns "Women
might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." *Sharon
Stone "My
mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." *Jack
Nicholson" Clinton
lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never
forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." *
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady) "Ah,
yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals
through his wallet." *
Robin Williams "Women
need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place" *Billy
Crystal "According
to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in
front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say
that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just
grateful." *Robert
De Niro "There's
a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having
allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
*Dustin Hoffman "There's
very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what
I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !" *Jerry
Seinfeld "See,
the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough
blood to run one at a time." *Robin
Williams "It's
been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." *Joan
Rivers "Sex
is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money
can buy." *
Steve Martin "
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman.
Stuff you pay good money for in later life." *
Elmo Phillips "
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." *Oscar Wilde " It
isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." *George
Burns
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Breakfast at a Truck Stop
For those who travel, often the best food is a truck stop.
I wonder what the waitress would have to say if someone actually
ordered their breakfast as this guy did?
A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe' and placed his order.
He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of
running boards."
The
brand-new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the
kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three
flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What
does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
'No,' the cook
said. 'Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is
two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards are two slices of
crisp bacon .
'Oh..OK!' said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment then
spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer
The trucker asked, 'What are the beans for, Blondie?'(I love this one!)
She replied, 'I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires,
headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
FOR ONCE THE BLONDE GETS EVEN!
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Reflections of five
Surgeons
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.
The
first surgeon, from New York, says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is
numbered."
The second, from Chicago, responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians ! Everything inside them is color coded."
The
third surgeon, from Dallas, says, "No, I really think librarians are
the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The
fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles, chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few
parts left over."
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut
them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the
easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains,
and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable."
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Rapid
Response for FRIDAY, August 10,
2018
FUNNY...
except I guess I'm not "a real smart person".
GS
Automobile Air Conditioner
To: The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile
Air Conditioner:
Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your
friends.
The
four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and
developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the
temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The four brothers
walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary
into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting
innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office.
They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to
their car.
They
persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned
on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where
he offered them $3 million for the patent.
The
brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they
wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg
Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was
installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little
anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's
name on two million Fords.
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on
$4 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the dashboard
A real smart person would have been suspicious when they first saw
those names.
This is what happens when you are retired and have too much time on
your hands!
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
An
elderly couple sitting at a table at Mcdonald's caught the attention of
a young boy nearby. The husband was carefully cutting a hamburger
exactly in half, and then dividing the french-fries into two parts. He
placed a half-burger and half of the fries on his wife's plate. Then he
began to eat his portion voraciously - while his wife sat and watched.
The
boy could not contain his curiosity and concern. Approaching their
table, he said to the wife: Ma'am, why is he eating and you're not?
To which she replied: "Because it's his turn with the teeth."
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Among Us!
---
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
Sign on it saying: 'Free to good home.
You want it, you take it.'
For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal.
So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
They walk among us!
---
*One day I was walking down the beach with
Some friends when someone shouted.....
'Look at that dead bird!'
Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
They walk among us!
---
While looking at a house, my brother asked the
Real Estate agent which direction was north because
He didn't want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east
And has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'
They Walk Among Us!
---
Traffic Camera
A
man was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera. He figured
that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he
knew that he was not speeding... Just to be sure, he went around the
block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the
camera flashed. Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he
drove even slower as he passed the area again, but the traffic camera
again flashed. He tried a fourth time with the same result.. He did
this a fifth time and was now laughing when the camera flashed as he
rolled past, this time at a snail's pace... Two weeks later, he got
five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt..
You can't fix stupid.
---
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria,
when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach.
She drove down in a convertible, but said
she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.
They Walk Among Us!
---
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car
which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
---
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the
lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)
They Walk Among Us!
---
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook
asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!
---
Dumb as a box of Rocks
TRUE STORY:
A
noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where
Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to
schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he
was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a
mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing
is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should
answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the
track..'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask , 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world
and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi
thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't
happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know
much about history.'
Sadly, they walk among us!
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Senior citizens are
constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the
modern world, real or imaginary.
We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not try to
blame others.
HOWEVER,
upon reflection, we would like to point out
that it was NOT senior citizens who took:
The melody out of music,
The pride out of appearance,
The courtesy out of driving,
The romance out of love,
The commitment out of marriage,
The responsibility out of parenthood,
The togetherness out of the family,
The learning out of education,
The service out of patriotism,
The Golden Rule from rulers,
The nativity scene out of cities,
The civility out of behavior,
The refinement out of language,
The dedication out of employment,
The prudence out of spending,
The ambition out of achievement or
God out of government and school.
And we certainly are NOT the ones who
eliminated patience and tolerance from
personal relationships and interactions with
others!
And, we DO understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who
have fought and died for our country.
Just
look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts,
as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts, as he
American Flag passes by in a parade!
YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
I'm the life of the party.....Even if it lasts until 8 p.m. I'm very
good at opening childproof caps.....
With a hammer.
I'm awake many hours before
my body allows me to get up.
I'm smiling all the time,
because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm sure everything I can't find is
in a safe secure place, somewhere.
I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy,
and that's just my left leg.
I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.
Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!
Now if I could only remember who sent this to me, I wouldn't send it
back to them.
Or, maybe I should send it to all my friends anyway.
They won't remember, even if they did send it.
Spread the laughter Share the cheer
While we're here.
MAY GOD BLESS AMERICA AND MAY AMERICA
CONTINUE TO THANK GOD!
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"I NEVER CHASED AFTER
WOMEN. BUT I COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO RUN AWAY."
Leslie Howard: British Actor, Author and Patriot.
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HAR, HAR, HAR.
GS
Phyllis Dillerisms...
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty
fades, so will his eyesight.
-Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
-Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like
shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.
-Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never
wear the same outfit in public.
-Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
-Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
-Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I
want to move in with them.
-Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only
thing that keeps some parents going.
-Phyllis Diller
Any time three NewYorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank
has just been robbed.
-Phyllis Diller
We
spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to
walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and
shut up.
-Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
-Phyllis Diller
What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job
the next day.
-Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally put gin
in the steam iron.
-Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
-Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
-Phyllis Diller
My photographs don’t do me justice - they just look like me.
-Phyllis Diller
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles
away.
-Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep
away from children.
-Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours
ago it was grass.'
-Phyllis Diller
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you
can't see him laughing.
-Phyllis Diller
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller
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BARABING E BIREBONG.
A father buys a lie
detector robot that slaps people when they lie.
He
decides to test it out at dinner one night The father asks
his
son what he did that afternoon. The son says, "I did some schoolwork."
The
robot slaps the son. The son says, "OK, OK. I was at a friend's house
watching movies. " Dad asks, "What movie did you
watch?"
Son says, "Toy Story."
The robot slaps the son. Son says, "OK, OK, we were watching porn."
Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was."
The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says, "Well, he
certainly is your son."
The robot slaps the mother!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Simply Genius?
I
took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on EBAY any more) and
peeled the NRA sticker off my front window. I disconnected my
home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.
I
bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front
yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN
buy
on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.
Now the local police, sheriff,
FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are
all watching my house 24/7. I've NEVER felt safer and I'm
saving
$69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.
Plus, I bought burkas for
me to wear when I shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the
way,
and security can't pat me down. If they say I'm a male
wearing a
burka, I just say I'm feeling like a woman today.
Hot damn…safe at last.
Okay,
here's one I heard Michael Caine tell Johnny Carson in 1975 when he was
plugging 'Man Who Would Be King' (one of my all-time favorite movies):
The joke has to be told with a thick Cockney accent.
There's
this Bobby, see. Like any other day, 'e rises, puts on 'is
uniform, gives the wife a sweet peck on the cheek, off 'e goes to
work. 'E's gone not five minutes and realizes 'e forgot 'is
billfold.
'E turns 'round, walks home, opens the front door,
'ears a commotion upstairs. Quietly, 'e walks up, slowly
opens
the bedroom door, sees 'is wife in bed with two men.
I have a very complicated
benefits
question. Many years ago, I married a widow who had an 18 year old
daughter. After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a
number of times, and he fell in love with my step daughter. My father
eventually married her without my authorization.
As a result my step-daughter became my step mother and my father became
my son in law.
My
father's wife (also my step daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to
a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my step
daughter's mother. This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father.
As
you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of
my father's wife. Therefore it appears that I am also my wife's
grandchild. A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a
son, who became my father's brother-in-law, the step-son of my father's
wife, and my uncle. My son is also my step mother’s brother, and
through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have
become my own grandfather.
In light of the above mentioned, I
would like to know the following: Does my son, who is also my uncle, my
father's son-in-law and my step mother's brother fulfill the
requirements for receiving childcare benefits?
Zeke
==============
THE ANSWER:
Of
course you qualify, Zeke I have arranged to start mailing the checks to
all of you just as soon as you arrive here in California.
Yours faithfully,
Jerry Brown
Governor - State of California
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"What the hell you are telling me?"
HEALTHY NEW YEAR TO ALL!
A
Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around
drinking coffee. Someone made the comment that preaching to people
isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a
bear. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a
bear and attempt to convert it to their religion. Seven days later,
they all came together to discuss their experiences.
Father
Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his
body and limbs, spoke first. Well, he said, 'I went into the woods to
find a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the
Catechism. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around.
So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother
of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.'
Reverend Billy Bob the
Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. 'I went
out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the
Bible! But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we
came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul.
And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The
Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in
a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and
monitors running in and out of him.
The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision might
not have been the best way to start..."
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> THE HAIRCUT
>
> Blessed are those who can give without remembering, and take
> without forgetting.
> One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the
> cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I
> cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community
> service this week.'
> The florist was pleased and left the
> shop.
> When the barber went to open his shop the next morning,
> there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses
> waiting for him at his door.
> Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to
> pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot
> accept money from you, I'm doing community service this
> week.’
> The cop was happy and left the
> shop.
> The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was
> a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for
> him at his door.
> Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went
> to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot
> accept money from you. I'm doing community service this
> week.’
> The Congressman was very happy and left the
> shop.
> The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
> were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free
> haircut.
> And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference
> between the citizens of our country and the politicians who
> run it.
> As Ronald Reagan said:
> BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND
> FOR THE SAME REASON!
> If you don't forward this you have no sense of
> humor.
> Nothing bad will happen, however, you must live
> with yourself knowing that laughter is not in your
> future.
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Lying around, pondering the
problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a
rat's patoot anymore.
If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
A whale
swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise
doesn't run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150
years.
And they tell us to exercise? I don't think so.
Now that
I'm older, here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild
oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and All-Bran.
3. Funny,
I don't remember being absent-minded.
4. Funny,
I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. If all
is not lost, then where the heck is it?
6. It was
a whole lot easier to get older than it was to get wiser.
7. Some
days you're the top dog, some days you're the hydrant.
8. I wish
the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
9. Kids in
the back seat cause accidents.
10. Accidents in the back seat cause
kids.
11. It is hard to make a comeback when
you haven't been anywhere.
12. The world only beats a path to your
door when you're in the bathroom.
13. If God wanted me to touch my toes,
he'd have put them on my knees.
14. When I'm finally holding all the
right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
15. It is not hard to meet expenses...
They're everywhere.
16. The only difference between a rut
and a grave is the depth.
17. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I
go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
18. Funny, I don't remember being
absent-minded.
19. It is a lot better to be seen than
viewed.
20. Have I sent this message to you
before... or did I get it from you?
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Computer Problems
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our
computers.
Yesterday,
I had a problem, so I called Georgie , the 11 year old next door, whose
bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come
over.
Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'
I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T
error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'
Georgie grinned ..'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T
error before?
'No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
So I wrote down:
ID10T
I used to like Georgie, the little shithead.
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Rapid Response for FRIDAY,
July 18,
2017
Growing old gracefully...
1. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out
of the way much faster now!
2. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years
in a row.
3.
I decided to stop calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the
Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this
morning.
4. Last year I joined a support group for
procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
5. I don't need anger management. I just need
people to stop irritating me!
6. When I was a child I thought nap time was a punishment.
Now, as a grown up, it feels like a mini vacation.
7. My people skills are just fine It's my tolerance
of idiots that needs working on.
8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on
my knees.
9. The kids text me "plz" which is shorter than
please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes."
10. I'm going to retire and live off of my savings.
Not sure what I'll do the second week.
11. Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the
sound!
12. Why do I have to press one for English when you're just
gonna transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?
13. Yes I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice.
IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF
WONDERFUL TRIVIA..............
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR
MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON,
"THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR
MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT, JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE
ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK
CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER
THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO
WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS
JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING
QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD
QUESTION ABOUT MR.GORSKY AND
THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE HIS MR. GORSKY
HAD JUST DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE
QUESTION.
HERE IS THE ANSWER TO
"WHO WAS MR. GORSKY?":
IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN,
HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.
HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S
YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG
HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT
MR. GORSKY,
"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT
DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
It broke the place up.
NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THAT
THIS IS A TRUE STORY.
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
YESTERDAY MY DAUGHTER E-MAILED ME AGAIN, ASKING WHY I DIDN'T DO
SOMETHING USEFUL WITH MY TIME.
“LIKE SITTING AROUND THE POOL AND DRINKING WINE IS NOT A GOOD THING?” I
ASKED.
TALKING ABOUT MY "DOING-SOMETHING-USEFUL" SEEMS TO BE HER FAVORITE
TOPIC OF CONVERSATION.
SHE WAS "ONLY THINKING OF ME", SHE SAID, AND SUGGESTED THAT I
GO
DOWN TO 'SENIOR NET' AND HANG OUT WITH THE GUYS.
I DID THIS AND WHEN I GOT HOME LAST NIGHT, I DECIDED TO PLAY A PRANK ON
HER.
I E-MAILED HER AND TOLD HER THAT I HAD JOINED A PARACHUTE CLUB.
SHE REPLIED, "ARE YOU NUTS? YOU ARE 80 YEARS OLD
AND NOW YOU'RE
GOING TO START JUMPING OUT OF AIRPLANES?"
I TOLD HER THAT I EVEN GOT A MEMBERSHIP CARD AND E-MAILED A COPY TO HER.
SHE IMMEDIATELY TELEPHONED ME AND YELLED, "GOOD GRIEF, DAD, WHERE ARE
YOUR GLASSES? THIS IS A MEMBERSHIP TO A PROSTITUTE CLUB, NOT A
PARACHUTE CLUB."
"OH MAN, I'M IN TROUBLE AGAIN,” I SAID, “I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO
DO I SIGNED UP FOR FIVE JUMPS A WEEK!!"
THE LINE WENT QUIET AND HER FRIEND PICKED UP THE PHONE AND SAID THAT
MY DAUGHTER HAD FAINTED
LIFE AS A SENIOR CITIZEN IS NOT GETTING ANY EASIER, BUT SOMETIMES IT
CAN BE FUN.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Rapid Response for SUNDAY,
May 21,
2017
"WHAT WE HAVE HERE
IS A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE"...ANY MORE.
GS
GreatOrators of the Democrat
Party - PAST:
"One man with courage makes a majority." ~Andrew Jackson
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
"The buck stops here." ~ Harry S. Truman
"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your
country." ~John F. Kennedy
AND NOW:
Great Orators of the Democrat Party – TODAY:
"It depends what your definition of 'is' is?'’ ~ President William J.
Clinton
"Those rumors are false. I believe in the sanctity of marriage." ~ John
Edwards
"What difference does it make?" (re: Benghazi) ~ Hillary Clinton
"I invented the Internet." ~Al Gore
"America
is, is no longer, uh, what it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was,
uh, and I say to myself, uh, I don't want that future, uh, for my
children." ~ Barack Obama
"I have campaigned in all 57 states." ~ Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)
"You don't need God anymore; you have us Democrats." ~Nancy Pelosi
(Quoted 2006) (A really, really stupid remark….!!!)
"Paying taxes is voluntary." ~Sen. Harry Reid
"Bill
is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful,
true, and honest than he is." ~Hillary Rodham Clinton (Quoted1998)
"You have a business. You didn't build that. Someone else did!" ~
Barack Obama (Quoted 2012)
And the most ridiculous gem of wisdom, from the "Mother Superior Moron":
"We just have to pass the Healthcare Bill to see what's in it." ~ Nancy
Pelosi (Quoted March,2010)
(As one Doctor said: "That is also the perfect definition of a stool
sample.")
Beyond
a doubt, the greatest statement of all was made by Democrat House
Speaker Sam Rayburn at the first Congressional session after Ted
Kennedy was caught, on camera, having sex with one of his aides on the
deck of his yacht.
"Ah see that the good Senatuh from the great state of Massutwoshits has
changed his position on off shore drillin”... !
HOW FORTUNATE WE ARE TO HAVE HAD SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR
ONCE - GREAT COUNTRY!!
________________________________
A Great Republican:
"Life is tough! It's even tougher when you're stupid.'' ~ John Wayne
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Rapid Response for FRIDAY,
May 19,
2017
HILARIOUS!
I owe you one...but not a colonoscopy.
I'm going to use this to "prep" my patients awaiting this experience.
GS
SUBJECT: COLONOSCOPY
ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry was a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami
Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a
gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A
few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the
colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one
point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough,
reassuring and patient manner.
I
nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because
my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR
BEHIND!'
I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to
fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then,
on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance
with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had
was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then,
in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder
together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm
water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about
32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an
hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a
mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The
instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great
sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel
movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may
experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep
is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have
you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep
experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the
commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined
to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And
then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink
another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your
bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have
not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The
next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not
only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing
occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if
I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like
that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many
forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever
the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other
colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and
took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed
by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel
even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse
named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I
would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying
down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep..
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to
the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You
would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was
ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting
with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot
tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was
seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began
hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There
was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was
'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that
could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had
to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha
ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for
more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I
am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I
have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling
'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment,
I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy
was looking down at me and asking me how I felt I felt excellent. I
felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and
that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder
of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies
are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?'
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THURSDAY,
May 9,
2017
"RESEARCH CONFIRMS
THAT DRINKING GIVES YOU THE SAME BENEFITS YOGA DOES".
Rapid Response for MONDAY
through WEDNESDAY, May 8 through 10,
2017
GREAT!
And now I understand what it's all about.
GS
RETARDED GRANDPARENT
After Christmas vacation, a teacher asked her young pupils how they
spent their holiday away from school.
One child wrote the following:
We
always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used
to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved
to Stayyoung Bay in Florida, where everyone lives in nice little
houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!
They
ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because
they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a
wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay
now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with
hats on.
At
their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it.
He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and
go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks; they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing
every night - early birds.
Some
of the people can't get out past the man in the dollhouse. The ones who
do get out bring food back to the wrecked center for potluck.
My
Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment
and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday, too.
When
I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I
will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.
PRICELESS!
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
BARABING!
Thanks. I needed that.
GS
A woman goes
into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's
birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over
to the counter.
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and
reel?"
He
says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the
counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He
says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel
and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on
sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. Oh, that
sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She
bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really
embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could
tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was
the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The
woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod
and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call
is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.
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- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Why We Need The Marines
The
Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a
separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers.
Addressing
all boat personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, "The female
sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males. Anyone caught
breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."
He
continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be
fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500. Are
there any questions?"
At this point, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant from the security detail
assigned to the ship stood up in the crowd and inquired...
"Sir, how much for a season pass?"
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I found
this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and
only sunglasses. A young lady walks over to me and asks,
"what
brings you in today?".
I looked at her, and said, I'm interested in buying a
refrigerator. She didn't quite know how to respond.
I
was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones
that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't
afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.
I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call
"blue teeth", I think.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on
beer cans!
I
was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still
have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it
'Pumping Rust'.
When
people see a cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh, have you got a
cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of
an emergency. I think you should write, 'An ambulance.'
I
was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older. Then it dawned on me. They were
cramming
for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on
the
curve.
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your
body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a
replacement.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's
really in trouble.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together
it spells 'Theirs...'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.
Some
people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to
know why I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some
of
the roads weren't paved.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
SO...WHAT'S THE POINT...?
GS
A father told his 3
sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide
you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything
for that.
However, I want you to appreciate it. As a
token,
please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die." And
so it happened. His
sons became a
doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially.
When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin,
they remembered his wish. First,
it was the
doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased. Then,
came
the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there. Finally,
it
was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket,
took out his
checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin,
and took
the $2,000 cash. He
later went on to
become a member of Congress.
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
HILARIOUS...AND TRUE!
I really needed that after my recent days "getting out of Dodge".
Make sure you eata a nicea pasta breakfasta on Monday morning before
coming to work!
Ever
since I was
a child, I've always had a fear
of someone
under my bed at night.
So I
went to a
shrink and told him:
“I've got
problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared. I
think I'm going crazy.”
“Just
put
yourself in my hands for
one year,
said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should be
able to get
rid of those fears.”
“How
much do you charge?”
“Eighty
dollars
per visit,” replied the
doctor.
“I'll
sleep on
it,” I said.
Six
months later
the doctor met me
on the street.
“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?”
He asked.
“Well,
Eighty
bucks a visit, three
times a
week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was
so happy to
have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”
“Is
that so?”
With a bit of an attitude
he said,
“and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”
“He
told me to
cut the legs off the bed. Ain't
nobody
under there now.”
It's
always better to get a second opinion.
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game.
One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.
A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking losing
their 4th, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty
good. Mind if I join you next week?
"No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.
Finally, one man says. Okay, but we start at 6:30 am. He figures the
early tee-time will discourage her.
The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15
minutes late.
They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".
She's there at 6:30 am sharp and beats all of them with an
eye-opening 2-under par round.
She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate
her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be
there at 6:30 or 6:45."
The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she
plays left-handed...
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par
round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed, but
can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They
invite her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to beat
her.
The third week, she's 15 minutes late and plays right-handed, narrowly
beating all three of them. This, too, irritates the
guys.
The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her
part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong
play, they can't hold a grudge. But, they all agree that she
is a
riddle that they can't figure out.
After the match, they all go into the clubhouse to have a few beers and
settle up the bets. After the third round of drinks, one of
the
men finally asks her, "How do you ,make the decision whether you're
going to play right-handed or left-handed?"
The lady blushes and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I
learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and
forth."
"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always
sleeps in the nude.
From then on, I developed a silly habit.
Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the
covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed,
if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."
The guys think this is hysterical.
Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys asks, "What if
it's pointing straight up?"
She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the
wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the
biggest house adjacent to the course.
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go
up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive
is going to cost us.'
So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.
A
warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on
its side near the pieces of window glass.
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my
window?'
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see,
I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll
give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one
for my self.'
Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment
and
blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my
life.'
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.
And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete
with servants,' she said.
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe
from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
'And now,' the couple asked in
unison, 'what's
your wish, genie?'
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a
woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your
wife.'
The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you
know we
both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.
Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about
you, honey?'
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. I'd do the
same for you!'
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of
the afternoon enjoying each other.
The genie was insatiable.
After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled
over
and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your
husband?'
'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
'No Kidding,' he said.
'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe
in
genies?'
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
During a commercial airline flight an experienced
Air
Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in
arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for
landing,
the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly
as
possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon
disembarking,
he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various
baby-related items. When the young mother expressed her
gratitude, the pilot responded, "that's a good looking baby,
and
he sure was hungry!" Somewhat embarrassed, the
mother
explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast
would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Air
Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion
exclaimed, "And all these years, I've been chewing
gum."
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Several centuries
ago,
the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism, or
leave
Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope
offered a
deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish
community. If
the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to
convert
or leave.
The Jewish people
met
and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate.
However, as
the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed
that it
would be a 'silent' debate.
On the chosen day,
the
Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and
showed
three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved
his
finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where
he
sat.
The Pope brought out
a
communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out
an
apple.
With that, the Pope
stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too
clever.
The Jews could stay in Italy. Later, the Cardinals met with
the
Pope, and
asked him what had happened.
The Pope said,
"First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded
by
holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God
common to
both our faiths. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him
that God
was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to
show that
God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and host to show
that
through the perfect sacrifice, Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the
rabbi
pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at
every
move and I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the
Jewish
community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.
"I haven't a
clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to
get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the
whole
country would be cleared of Jews, but I told him emphatically that we
were
staying right here."
"And
then what?" asked a woman.
The rabbi shrugged his shoulders: "Who knows? He
took out
his
lunch, so I took out mine."
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Study
the picture first and then read the story.
This
actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk. A
French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been
drinking. With
great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all
day, that
his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and
a few
bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches
thereafter. Quite
upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the
Englishman and
verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed. He
asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to
be
arrested. The
Englishman answers with a bit of humour, "No
sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that
this is a
British car and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other side?"
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
An
old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He
put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your
treatment
for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor
"Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans
about
medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So
he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
This
is what transpired:
Dr.
Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please
help
me ??"
Dr.
Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in
Dr.
Young's mouth."
Dr.
Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr.
Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be
$500."
Dr.
Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to
recover
his money.
Dr
Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr.
Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in
the
patient's mouth."
Dr.
Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr.
Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be
$500."
Dr.
Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after
several
more days.
Dr.
Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything !!!!
Dr.
Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your
$1000
back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr.
Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr.
Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be
$500."
Moral
of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can
outsmart
an "old Geezer !"
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
AS
I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:
1.
I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
2.
Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.
3.
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me
off.
4.
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that
needs work.
5.
The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write
that down, I'll remember it."
6.
When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's
like a mini vacation..
7.
The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think
about.
8.
Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.
9.
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for
ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
10.
At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking
into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
>
> TWO OF THE YEAR'S BEST COMEBACK RESPONSES
>
>
> Number 1:
>
> If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have
> been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined
> by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was
> trying to undermine the police officer's credibility...
>
>
> Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the
> scene?'
>
> A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a
> person matching the description of the offender, running
> several blocks away.'
>
> Q: 'Officer -- who provided this
> description?'
>
> A: 'The officer who responded to the
> scene.'
>
> Q: 'A fellow officer provided the
> description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your
> fellow officers?'
>
> A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'
>
> Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this
then
> officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in
> preparation for your daily duties?'
>
> A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
>
> Q: 'And do you have a locker in the
> room?'
>
> A: 'Yes, sir, ... I do.'
>
> Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
>
> A: 'Yes, sir.'
>
> Q: 'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you
> trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it
> necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these
> same officers?'
>
> A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building
> with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been
> known to walk through that room.'
>
> The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess
> was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for
> this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we
> think he'll win.
>
>
>
> Number 2:
>
> Now We Know Why He Was a General -----
>
>
>
> In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked
> if he thought there was room for
forgiveness
> toward the people who have harbored and abetted the
> terrorists who perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on
> America.
>
> His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.
>
> The General said, "I believe that forgiving them
> is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the
> meeting."
>
>
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
No matter
how good she looks,
some other
guy is sick and tired
of putting
up with her shit.
Men' s
Room Linda's Bar and Grill
Chapel
Hill, NC
=0 A
It's hard
to make a comeback
when you
haven't been anywhere.
Written in
the dust on the back of a bus
Wickenburg
, AZ
Make love,
not war.
Hell, do
both...
GET
MARRIED!
Women's
restroom
The
Filling Station, Bozeman , MT
If voting
could really change things,
it would
be illegal.
Revolution
Books
New York ,
New York
If pro is
opposite of con,
Thenwhat is the opposite
of
progress?
Congress!
Men's
restroom House of Representatives,
Washington
, DC
Express
Lane:
Five beers
or less.
Sign over
one of the urinals
Ed
Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ
You're too
good for him..
Sign over
mirror in Women's restroom
Ed
Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA
No wonder
you always go home alone.
Sign over
mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed
Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA
A Woman's
Rule of Thumb:
If it has
tires or testicles,
you're
going to have trouble with it.
Women's
restroom
Dick's
Last Resort, Dallas , TX
0A
HAPPINESS
To
be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot
and love him a little.
To
be happy with a woman,
you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.
________________________________
LONGEVITY
Married
men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die...
_____________________________
HOW
TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING
YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old
aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, "You're next."
They
stopped after I started doing the
same thing to them at funerals.
_____________________________
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
God's
plan
for aging
Most
seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God
decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for
their
glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked
down and
saw that it was good. Then
God
saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made
seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to
bend,
reach & stretch. And
God
looked down and saw that it was good.
<>Then
God
considered the function of bladders and decided
seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to
the
bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it
was
good. So
if
you find as you age, you are getting up and down more,
remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though
you
mutter under your breath.<>
Nine
Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older
#9
Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8
Life is sexually transmitted.
#7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at
which one can die.
#6
Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky
panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes,
make him
a sandwich.
#5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks,
months,
maybe years.
#4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying
in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It
pays no attention to criticism.
#2
In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world
weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1
Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.
What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
And the sign said...
Gynecologist's
Office:
"Dr.
Jones, at your cervix."
**********
In
a Podiatrist's office:
"Time
wounds all heels."
************
On
a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's
Meals on Wheels
**************************
At
an Optometrist's Office:
"If
you don't see what you're looking for, you've
come to the right place."
**************************
On
a Plumber's truck:
"We
repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On
another Plumber's truck:
"Don't
sleep with a drip.
Call your plumber."
**************************
At
a Tire Shop in
Milwaukee :
"Invite
us to your next blowout."
**************************
On
an Electrician's truck:
"Let
us remove your shorts."
**************************
In
a Non-smoking Area:
"If
we see smoke, we will assume you
are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On
a Maternity
Room door:
"Push.
Push. Push."
**************************
At
a Car Dealership:
"The
best way to get back on your feet
- miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside
a Muffler Shop:
"No
appointment necessary.
We hear you coming."
**************************
In
a Veterinarian's
waiting room:
"Be
back in 5 minutes.
Sit! Stay!"
**************************
At
the Electric Company
"We
would be delighted if you
send in your payment.
However,
if you don't, you will be."
**************************
In
a Restaurant window:
"Don't
stand there and be hungry; come
on in and get fed up."
**************************
In
the front yard of a
Funeral Home:
"Drive
carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
At
a Propane Filling
Station:
"Thank
heaven for little grills."
**************************
And
don't forget the sign at a
CHICAGO
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best
place in town to take a leak."
**************************
Sign
on the back of
another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution
- This Truck is full of Political Promises"
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A
good laugh for people in the over 60 group! When
I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with
1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes
videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I
signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids,
their spouses, my
13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the
modern way. I
figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140
characters of space. My
phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything
except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not
ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf
bag. The
kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost
every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep
that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone
I am supposed to use when I drive. I
wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my
wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to
take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud. I
mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside
that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a
long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say,
"Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer It was like
she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and
then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right
turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship... When
I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the
cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as
Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me. To
be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless
phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't
figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around
digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry
baskets when the phone rings. The
world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every
time I go to the grocery
store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but
this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me
for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking
confused, but I never remember to take them with me. Now
I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just
say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's
their
turn to
stare at me with a blank look. I
was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do fart a lot."
P.S.
I know some of you are not over 60. I sent it to you to allow you to
forward it to those who are. I figured your sense of humor could handle
it. We
senior citizens don't need any more gadgets. The
TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
BRITISH HUMOR
These are
classified
ads, which were actually placed in U. K. Newspapers:
FREE
YORKSHIRE
TERRIER. 8
years old, Hateful
little
bastard. Bites!
FREE
PUPPIES. Mother
is a
Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father
is a Super
Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. COWS,
CALVES:
NEVER BRED. Also
1 gay bull
for sale. JOINING
NUDIST
COLONY ! Must
sell washer
and dryer £100.
WEDDING
DRESS FOR
SALE Worn
once by
mistake. Call
Stephanie
FOR
SALE BY
OWNER. Complete
set of
Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent
condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married,
wife knows everything. DUE
TO CURRENT
ECONOMIC CONDITIONS THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL HAS BEEN TURNED
OFF
Children Are Quick
TEACHER:
Why are
you late? STUDENT:
Class
started before I got here. ____________________________________
TEACHER:
John,
why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? JOHN:
You told me
to do it without using tables. __________________________________________
TEACHER:
Glenn,
how do you spell 'crocodile?' GLENN:
K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L' TEACHER:
No,
that's wrong GLENN:
Maybe it
is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it. (I
Love this
child) ____________________________________________
TEACHER:
Donald,
what is the chemical formula for water? DONALD:
H I J K L
M N O. TEACHER:
What are
you talking about? DONALD:
Yesterday
you said it's H to O. __________________________________
TEACHER:
Winnie,
name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years
ago. WINNIE:
Me! __________________________________________
TEACHER:
Glen,
why do you always get so dirty? GLEN:
Well, I'm a
lot closer to the ground than you are. _______________________________________
TEACHER:
George
Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also
admitted it. Now,
Louie, do
you know why his father didn't punish him? LOUIS:
Because
George still had the axe in his hand..... ______________________________________
TEACHER:
Now,
Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating? SIMON:
No sir, I
don't have to, my Mum is a good cook. ______________________________
TEACHER:
Clyde ,
your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did
you copy his? CLYDE
: No, sir.
It's the same dog. ___________________________________
TEACHER:
Harold,
what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no
longer interested? HAROLD:
A teacher
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Subject:Sex After Death
A
couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and
inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was
that there
was no after life at all.
After
a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to
his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear
me?"
"Is
that you, Frank?"
"Yes,
I've come back like we agreed."
"That's
wonderful! What's it like?"
"Well,
I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast
and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the
warm sun
and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris,
you'd be
proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course,
then pretty
much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After
supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more
sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the
next day
it starts all over again".
"Oh,
Frank! Are you in Heaven?"
"No
-- I'm a rabbit somewhere in
Arizona."
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
>
>
Indian Wanting Coffee
>
>
>
An Indian walks into a cafe
with a shotgun
in
one hand and pulling a male buffalo
with the
other. He says to the waiter:
>
>
"Want coffee."
>
>
The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."
>
>
He gets the Indian a tall mug of
coffee...
>
>
The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the
buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal
>
to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
>
>
The next morning the Indian
returns. He has his shotgun in one
hand, pulling another male buffalo with
the other. He
>
walks up to the
counter and says to the waiter:
>
>
"Want coffee."
>
>
The waiter says, "Whoa,
Tonto! We're still
cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was that
all
about, anyway?
>
>
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
"Training for
position in United States Congress. Come
in, drink coffee, shoot the
>
bull, leave mess for others to clean up,
disappear for rest of day."
>
Old
NICK Fred
was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He
kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and
was replaced.
This
took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to
his roosters.
Each
bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which
rooster was performing.
Now,
he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just
listening to the bells.
Fred's
favourite rooster, old NICK, was a very fine specimen, but this
morning he noticed old NICK's bell hadn't rung at all!
When
he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing
pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming,
would
run for cover
To
Fred's amazement, old NICK had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring.
He'd
sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Fred
was so proud of old NICK, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and
he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The
result was the judges not only awarded old NICK the "No Bell Piece
Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly
old NICK was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our
planet by
being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing
them
when they weren't paying attention.
Vote
carefully in the next election, the bells are not always audible.
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Murphy
showed up at
Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd
never
been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said,
"Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with ya Father. A
while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I
know that
McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every
Sunday. I
also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he
would
leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after
Communion and
steal McGlynn's hat."
The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't
steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the
10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat
after
all."
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile
and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', ya decided you
would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell."
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya
talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I
left me
hat."
These
quotes go for BOTH political parties equally..........
Apolitical
Aphorisms
If
God wanted us to vote, he would have given us
candidates.
~Jay Leno~ The
problem with political
jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~ We
hang the petty thieves
and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~ If
we got one-tenth of what
was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't
be any
inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~ When
I was a boy I was told
that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~ Why
pay money to have your
family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for
you.
~Author unknown~ Politicians
are people who,
when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more
tunnel.
~John Quinton~ Politics
is the gentle art
of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by
promising
to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~ I
offer my opponents a
bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling
the truth
about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~ A
politician is a fellow
who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~ I
have come to the conclusion
that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~ Instead
of giving a
politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~ There
ought to be one day
-- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
~Will Rogers~
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
GETTING
OLDER
A
distraught senior citizen
phoned
her doctor's office.
"Is
it true," she wanted to know,
"that
the medication
you
prescribed has to be taken
for
the rest of my life?"
"'Yes,
I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.
There
was a moment of silence
before
the senior lady replied,
"I'm
wondering, then,
just
how serious is my condition
because
this prescription is marked
'NO
REFILLS'.."
***********************
An
older gentleman was
on
the operating table
awaiting
surgery
and
he insisted that his son,
a
renowned surgeon,
perform
the operation.
As
he was about to get the anesthesia,
he
asked to speak to his son.
"Yes,
Dad , what is it?"
"Don't
be nervous, son;
do
your best,
and
just remember,
if
it doesn't go well,
if
something happens to me,
your
mother
is
going to come and
live
with you and your wife...."
(I
LOVE IT!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Aging:
Eventually
you will reach a point
when
you stop lying about your age
and
start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
to
hear them say "you don't look that old."
---------------------------------
The
older we get,
the
fewer things
seem
worth waiting in line for.
---------------------------------
Some
people
try
to turn back their odometers.
Not
me!
I
want people to know why
I
look this way.
I've
traveled a long way
and
some of the roads weren't paved.
********************
When
you are dissatisfied
and
would like to go back to youth,
think
of Algebra.
-------------------------------
One
of the many things
no
one tells you about aging
is
that it is such a nice change
from
being young.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Ah,
being young is beautiful,
but
being old is comfortable.
*********
First
you forget names,
then
you forget faces.
Then
you forget to pull up your zipper...
it's
worse when
you
forget to pull it down.
````````````````
Two
guys, one old, one young,
are
pushing their carts aroundWal-Mart
when
they collide.
The
old guy says to the young guy,
"Sorry
about that. I'm looking for my wife,
and
I guess I wasn't paying attention
to
where I was going."
The
young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm
looking for my wife, too...
I
can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The
old guy says, "Well,
maybe
I can help you find her...
what
does she look like?"
The
young guy says,
"Well,
she is 27 yrs. old,tall,
with
red hair,
blue
eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,
long
legs,
and
is wearing short shorts.
What
does your wife look like?'
To
which the old guy says,"Doesn't matter,
---
let's look for yours."
(ADORABLE)
*********************
(And
this final one especially for me,)
"Lord,
keep
Your arm around my shoulder
and
Your hand over my mouth!"
Now,
if you feel this
doesn't apply to you . . . stick around awhile . . . it will!
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Children
Writing About the
Ocean….*
1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly,
age 6)
2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)
3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)
6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)
7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross
the ocean.
Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make
the
wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
(William, age 7)
8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful
and I
like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)
9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has
just
got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)
10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I
think they
have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)
11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes
my willy
small. (Kevin, age 6)
12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't
go
down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)
13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up
her
big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)
14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I
don't know. (Bobby, age 6)
15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my
mom.(James,
age 7)
*If you didn't smile at one of these, you need to find a
better
sense ofhumor.*
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill
loved them)
are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase
is
surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Enjoy!
1. Where there's a will, I want to be
in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt
you. But
it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than
sound, some
people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be
wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only
learn how to
act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right
- only
who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a
fruit..
Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is
plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I
said I was
blaming you.
10. In filling out an application,
where it
says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
11. Women will never be equal to men
until they
can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still
think they
are sexy. (ever been to Wal Mart)
12. You do not need a parachute to
skydive. You
only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm
not so
sure..
14. To be sure of hitting the target,
shoot
first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a
Christian
any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn
something
stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders,
but its
getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
Spread the Laughter
Share the Cheer
Let's Be Happy
While We're here!
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MILITARY RULES
Marine
Corps
Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't
work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill
everyone
you
meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does
not
start
with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is
cheap. Life
is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend.
Lateral
&
diagonal preferred.
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the
one
you lose.
12. In 10 years no one will remember details of caliber,
stance,
or
tactics. They'll only
remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your
intention
to shoot.
Navy SEAL Rules:
1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rangers Rules:
>1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform
killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while
starving.
US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd Lts; they can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.
US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power
Point
presentation.
6. Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD
& defense
industry
executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them
operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but
close enough
to have tax exemption.
US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
Go Navy !
And ... You've got to love the military, and God bless them
all.
They
guard your freedom!
U.S. Navy Directive 16134 ( Inappropriate T-Shirts )
The following directive was issued by the commanding officer
of
all naval
installations
in the Middle East.
(It
was obviously directed at the Marines.)
To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K
All
commanders
promulgate upon receipt. The following T-shirts are no longer to be
worn on or off base
by
any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:
1. 'Eat Pork or Die' [both English and Arabic versions]
2. 'Shrine Busters' [Various. Show burning minarets or
bomb/artillery
shells impacting
Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
3. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more.' {Both
English
and
Arabic versions]
4. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' [Mostly Arabic
versions, but
some in English.
Some show sniper scope
cross-hairs.]
5. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' [Both Arabic and
English
versions]
6. 'Pork. The other white meat.' {Arabic version]
7. 'Infidel' [English, Arabic and other coalition force
languages.]
The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon
receipt of
this directive.
In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon
receipt
of this
message:
1. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing
Range
at 0800
Daily.'
2. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb
bastards?'
All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training
upon receipt
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Life
Explained
On
the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of
your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I
will
give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten
years
and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people,
do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life
span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long
time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the
field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and
give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life
span
of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play,
marry and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and
the
ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing
it as
a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front
porch.
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
____________________________________________________________________________
***_
_*
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift
I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started ...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a
\drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I
asked her, "Do you
know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took
to
drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that
long?"
And then the fight started...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get
it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the shed, the boat,
making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought
of a clever way
to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with
a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and
then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush. I said,
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the
driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________________________________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,
"What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
_______________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour. The wind
was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into
bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather
out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told
the woman that I was very sorry,
but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security
application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office. She said,
'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability
too.'
And then the fight started...
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
happy with what she saw and said
to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to
pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started...
>
>>> 7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children
>>>
>>>
>>> A little girl was talking to her teacher about
whales.
>>>
>>>
>>> The teacher said it was physically impossible
for a
>>> whale to swallow a human because even though
it was a very
>>> large mammal its throat was very small.
>>>
>>> The little girl stated that Jonah was
swallowed by a
>>> whale.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale
could
>>> not swallow a human; it was physically
impossible.
>>>
>>> The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I
will
>>> ask Jonah'.
>>>
>>>
> The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to
>>> hell?'
>>>
>>>
>>> The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
>>>
>>>
>>> A Kindergarten teacher was observing her
classroom of
>>> children while they were drawing. She would
occasionally
>>> walk around to see each child's work.
>>>
>>>
>>> As she got to one little girl who was working
>>> diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
>>>
>>> The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
>>>
>>> The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows
what
>>> God looks like.'
>>>
>>>
>>> Without missing a beat, or looking up from her
> drawing,
>>> the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
>>>
>>>
>>> A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
>>> Commandments with her five and six year olds.
>>>
>>>
>>> After explaining the commandment to 'honour'
>>> thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is
there a
>>> commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and
>>> sisters?'
>>>
>>> From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a
family)
>>> answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> One day a little girl was sitting and watching
her
>>> mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She
suddenly
>>> noticed that her mother had
> several strands of white hair
>>> sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
>>>
>>>
>>> She looked at her mother and inquisitively
asked,
>>> 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
>>>
>>> Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you
do
>>> something wrong and make me cry or unhappy,
one of my hairs
>>> turns white.'
>>>
>>>
>>> The little girl thought about this revelation
for a
>>> while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of
>>> grandma's hairs are white?'
>>>
>>>
>>> I love this one!
>>>
>>> The children had all been photographed, and
the teacher
>>> was trying to persuade them each
> to buy a copy of the group
>>> picture.
>>>
>>>
>>> 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it
when
>>> you are all grown up and say, 'There's
Jennifer,
>>> she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael,
>>> He's a doctor.'
>>>
>>> A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
>>> 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> A teacher was giving a lesson on the
circulation of the
>>> blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she
said,
>>> 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood,
as you
>>> know, would run into it, and I would turn red
in the
>>> face.'
>>>
>>>
>>> 'Yes,'
> the class said.
>>>
>>> 'Then why is it that while I am standing
upright in
>>> the ordinary position the blood doesn't run
into my
>>> feet?'
>>>
>>> A little fellow shouted,
>>>
>>> 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
>>>
>>>
>>> I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR
>>>
>>> The children were lined up in the cafeteria of
a
>>> Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the
head of the
>>> table was a large pile of apples. The nun made
a note, and
>>> posted on the apple tray:
>>>
>>>
>>> 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
>>>
>>> Moving further along the lunch line, at the
other
> end
>>> of the table was a large pile of chocolate
chip cookies.
>>>
>>> A child had written a note, 'Take all you
want. God
>>> is watching the apples..'
>>>
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A
woman from Los Angeles,
who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter,
purchased a
piece of timberland near Colville, WA.There was a large tree on one of
the
highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural
splendor of
her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top
she
encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.
In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and
got many
splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local
ER to see
a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an
anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her
to go
wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She
sat and
waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.
The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then
told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection
Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I
could
remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a
waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care...they
turned you
down."
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<>Italian
Auction - only 44 seconds! You don't have to understand Italian to follow the auctioneer: A Chinese Ming Vase is up for auction. The bidding opens at a
half-million Euros.
Bidding is brisk and each bidder is clearly identified as each raises
the bid
by 100,000 Euros. (The exchange rate at auction time was 1 Euro =
$1.43.) Within
seconds, the bid
stalls at one million Euros, and the gasp from the crowd identifies the excitement
that
prevails in the room.
The successful bidder is the last one who bid one million ,
and the auctioneer
counts down the
bid, "Going once, going twice, and sold to the gentleman sitting in front of me for one million
Euros."
Now, you are going to have to see the video for yourself. The
auctioneer is
exuberant. The pace is fast. This is how
an auction should be run. Please note the
excitement on the auctioneer's face after the final bid. Aspirin Cardio: Auction - YouTube
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Barack
Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in
South Carolina, asked the audience for total quiet.
Then,
in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once
every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then
he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my
hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then,
little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced
the quiet and said:
"Well,
dumbass, stop clapping!
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THE
HAIRCUT
Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without
forgetting.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he
asked about
his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm
doing
community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you'
card and a dozen roses waiting for
Him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the
barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community
service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card
and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the
barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing
community
service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
Were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between
the
citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME
REASON!
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A
young man with his pants hanging half off his backside, two gold front
teeth,
and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local
welfare
office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE
drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage
of the
system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We
Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his 2012
Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be
expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is
rather
awkward to say But you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to
satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a
rather
strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Godsaid,
'Adam, I
Want you to doSomething
forMe.'
Adamsaid,
'Gladly,Lord,
what do YouWant
me to do?'
Godsaid, 'Go downInto
thatvalley.'
Adam said,
'What's
a Valley?'
God explained it to
him.Then God
said,
'Cross theriver.'
Adam said, 'What's a
River?'
God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to thehill....'
Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'
So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam,
'On theother
side
of theHill
you will
find aCave.'
Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'
After God explained,
Hesaid,
'In the
cave
You will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a
Woman?'
So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said,
'IWant
you
toReproduce.'
Adam said,
'How doI
dothat?'
God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'
And then,
just like Everything else,
God
Explained that to
Adam, aswell.
So, Adam goes down
Intothe
valley,
Across the river, and
Over the hill,
into theCave,
and finds
the
Woman.
Then, in
aboutfive
Minutes,
he was back.
God,
His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is
itNow?'
And Adam said....
*
* *
'What's
aheadache?'
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
GRANDPARENTS
1.
She
was in
the bathroom, putting on her makeup,
under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many
times
before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave,
the
little
one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss thetoilet
papergood-bye!"
I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about
kissing the
toilet paper good-bye.... 2.
My
young grandson
called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me
how
old I
was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for
a
moment, and
then he asked, "Did you start at 1?" 3.
After
putting her
grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a
droopy blouse
and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children
getting
more
and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she
threw
a towel
around her head and stormed into their room, putting them
back to
bed
with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the
three-year-old
say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?" 4.
A
grandmother was
telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was
like.
"We used to skate outside on a pond.. I had a swing
made
from
a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our
pony. We
picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in.
At last
she
said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!" 5.
My grandson
was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and
God
are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we
alike?'' "You're both old," he replied. 6.
A
little girl was
diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told
him she
was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read." 7.
I didn't
know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to
test
her. I would point out something and ask what color
it
was.
She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me,
so I
continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying,
"Grandma, I
think you should try to figure out some of these colors
yourself!" 8.
When
my grandson
Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights
off
until we
were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a
few
fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy
whispered,
"It's no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us
with
flashlights." 9..
When
my grandson
asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised "Mine says
I'm 4 to 6." 10.
A
second grader
came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess
what? We learned how to make babies today." The
grandmother,
more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's
interesting." she said. "How do you make babies?"
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and
add 'es'." 11.
Children's Logic:
"Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The
small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to
correct him.
"Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a
child." 12.
A
grandfather was
delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck
zoomed
past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a
Dalmatian
dog. The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs,"
she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants." 13.
A
6-year-old was
asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives
at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her.
Then,
when
we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport." 14.
Grandpa is the
smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I
don't get to
see him enough to get as smart as him! 15.
My
Grandparents
are funny, when they bend over, you hear gas leaks
and they
blame
their dog.
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MAMA'S
BIBLE
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful Doctors,
Businessmen and Lawyers.
One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They
discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly
mother
who moved
to Florida .
The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."
The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to
her."
The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible.
It took
ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite
it."
The other brothers were impressed.
After
the celebration Mama sent out
her "Thank You" notes.
She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only
one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."
"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."
"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing,
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just
the
same."
"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so
much."
Love, Mama
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This
is exactly the same look you get from
your friends if you
tell them
you plan to vote for Obama.
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A
woman
from New York wasdriving
through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a
nearby
town.
She
climbed up behind him
on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that
every fewminutes
the Indian would
let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the
surrounding hills
and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the
local
service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.
"What
did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station
attendant.
"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the
horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I
wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
>
I finally
received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS.
> It puzzles me!!! They are questioning how many dependents I
claimed.I
> guess it was because of my response to the
> question: "List all dependents."I replied: 12 million illegal
> immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million people on food
stamps, 2
> million people in over 243 prisons; and
> 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate, plus 1
useless
> President."Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. I
KEEP
ASKING
> MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MORAL OF STORY: A
MOTHER’S WORK IS NEVER DONE.
A mother went into her son’s
bedroom to waken
him, because
it was nearly time for school.
“John, get up.It’s almost time for school”
“Mom, I don’t want to go to
school.Nobody
likes me.Nobody
talks to me.They
all talk behind my back”.
“John, that’s no reason not
to go to school.Now,
get up and go to school”
“Give me two reasons why I
should go to school”.
“Reason
#1: you’re 52 years old.Reason
#2: you’re
the Principal!”.
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The
American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care
package.
The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists
advised
not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut
feeling
about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of
nerve.
Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a
misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea
shortsighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians
said, "Oh, grow up!"The
Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,
while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to
wash their
hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be
a bitter
pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would
"put
a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step
forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty
Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the
Proctologists
won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A
mechanic was removing
a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a
well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The
surgeon was there, waiting for the service
manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The
mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The
surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to
the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up,
wiped his
hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its
heart,
take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it
works just
like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really
big
bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The
surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over,
and whispered to the mechanic...
<>>
A man is driving
along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the
> middle of the road.
>
> He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit
jumps
> right in front of the car.
>
> The driver,
> a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and
gets
out to
> see what has become of the rabbit.
> Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he
is DEAD .
>
> The driver feels so awful that he
begins to cry.
> A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man
crying on
> the side of the road and pulls over.
>
> She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
>
> "I feel terrible," ! he explains,
> "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED
HIM."
>
> The blonde says,"Don't worry."
>
> She runs to her car
> and pulls out a spray can.
> She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny ,
bends down,
and
> sprays the contents onto him.
>
> The Easter Bunny jumps up,
> waves its paw at the two of them
> and hops off down the road.
>
> Ten feet away he stops,
> turns around and waves again,
>
> he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves,
>
> hops another ten feet,
> turns and waves,
>
> and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he
hops
> out of sight.
>
> The man is astonished.
> He runs over to the woman and demands,
>
> "What is in that can?
> What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
>
> The woman turns the can around
> so that the man can read the label.
>
> It says..
>
> (Are you ready for this?)
>
> (Are you sure?)
>
> (You know you're gonna be sorry)
>
> (Last chance)
>
> (OK, here it is)
>
> It says,
>
> "Hair Spray
> Restores life to dead hair,
> and adds permanent wave."
>
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - >
> 3 men on a hike
>
> Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon
>
> a large raging, violent river.
> Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
>
> 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
>
> Poof! .... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was
>
> able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned
>
> twice.
> After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God,
>
> please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.'
>
> Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong
>>
> legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after
>
> almost capsizing once.
>
>
> Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man
>
>
> prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and
>
> the intelligence to cross the river.'
>
> Poof! .... He was turned into a woman.
> She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and
>
> walked across the bridge.
>
> GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO
ANY
MAN WHO
CAN HANDLE IT!
>
> Moral: 'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife
told you!'
>
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
SERENITY
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied...
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked..
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggsand have
fun finding
them.
I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject
to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank
God,
I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an
hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
To
help save the economy, the
President will asked next month the Immigration
Department to
start
deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social
Security and
Medicare costs.
Implementation
of this policy is
expected to result in greater efficiency and cost savings, since older
people
are easier
to catch and will not remember how to get back home.
<>I started
to cry when I thought
of you.
Then
it dawned on me...
Oh,
crap!... I'll see you on the bus!
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
<>For all of you with any money left, be aware of the
next
expected
mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG
bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2012:
1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.
Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell
Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
become: Knott NOW!
And finally....
9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the
new
name: TittyTittyBangBang
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
CHRISTMAS
PARROT One
Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for
an
unusual
Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a
parrot,
named
Chet,
which could sing famous Christmas carols.
This
seemed like the perfect gift.
"How
do I get him to sing?"
the young man asked, excitedly."Simply
hold a lighted match directly under his feet" was the shop
owner's
reply.The
shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot.
Chet
began
to sing:
"Jingle
Bells! Jingle Bells!" The
shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right
foot.
Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with:
"Silent
Night, Holy Night..." The
young man was so impressed that he paid the shopkeeper and ran home
as
quickly
as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her
gift
she was
overwhelmed.
"How
beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the
young man replied,
"But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped
out
his
lighter
and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the shop-keeper had
shown him,
and Chet crooned:
"Jingle
Bells! Jingle bells!..." The
man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out
came: "Silent
Night, Holy night..."
The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What
if we hold the lighter between his legs?" The man did not
know.
"Let's
try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. So
they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet
twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot
sang
out
loudly
like it was the performance of his life:
"Chet's
nuts roasting
on an open fire..."
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The
Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in
the United States' Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to
find
Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.
A search for a Virgin continues.
There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
>
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound
dead
chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space
shuttle,
all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent
incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the
windshields.
>
> British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test
it on
the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and
a gun
was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the
engineers stood
shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the
shatterproof
shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console,
snapped
the engineer's back- rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall
of the
cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
>
> The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the
experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists
for
suggestions.
>
> NASA responded with a one-line memo, "Defrost the chicken."
(True story)
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A
POLISH MOTHER WRITING TO HER SON
(as related by a Polish mother)
Dear Son: Stanley
Just a few lines to let you know that I’m still alive. I’m
writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read
fast.
You won’t know the house when you come home –we’ve moved.
About your father, he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men
under
him. He’s cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister got herself engaged to that fellow she’s been going out
with. He gave her a beautiful ring with three stones
missing.
Our neighbors, the Browns, started to keep pigs. We got wind
of
if this morning.
I got my appendix out and a dishwasher put in.
There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it
isn’t working too good. Last week I put 14 shirts into it,
pulled
the chain, and I haven’t seen the shirts since.
Your little brother came home from school yesterday crying.
All
the boys in the school have new suits. We can’t afford to buy
him
a new suit, but we’re going to buy him a new hat and let him look out
the window.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning. I haven’t heard yet
weather it’s a boy or a girl, so I don’t know weather you’re an aunt or
an uncle.
Your uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in Dublin
Brewery. Four of his workmates dived in to save him, but he
fought them off bravely. We cremated his body, and it took
three
days to put out the fire.
Kate is now working in a factory in Birmingham. She’s been
there
now for 3 weeks. I’m sending her some clean clothes, as she
says
she’s been in the same shift since she started.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father came with
me.
The doctor put a small glass tube in my mouth and told me not to open
it for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from
him.
It rained only twice last week. First for 3 days then for 4
days. Monday was so windy that one of our chickens laid the
same
egg 4 times.
We had a letter yesterday from the undertaker. He said if the
last installment wasn’t paid on your grandmother within 7 days, up she
comes.
I must close now—the plumber is coming here to repair the pipes, and
there’s a schooking smell.
Your loving mother,
Stella
PS. I was going to send you $10. but I had already
sealed
the envelope.
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Only
theIrish
have JokesLikeThese Into
a Belfast pub
comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just
been run over by a train.
His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut
and
bruised
and he's walking with a limp. "What
happened to
you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "
Jamie
O'Conner and me
had a fight," says Paddy.
"That
little shit,
O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that
to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"
That
he did,"
says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and
a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"
Well,"
says Sean,
"you should have defended
yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "
That
I did," said Paddy.
"Mrs.
O'Conner's
breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but useless in a fight."
*************************************************** An
Irishman who had a
little too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and,
of course, his car is weaving violently all over
the road. A
cop pulls him over.
"
So,"
says the cop
to the driver, where have ya been?"
"Why,
I've been to the
pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"
Well,"
says the
cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to drink this evening."
"I
did all right,"
the drunk says with a smile.
"D
id you know,"
says the cop, standing straight and
folding his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of
your
car?"
"Oh,
thank
heavens," sighs the drunk.
"For
a minute there, I
thought I'd gone deaf."
************************************************
Brenda
O'Malley is
home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell ya".
"
Of
course you can come
in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But where's my husband?"
"
That's
what I'm here
to be telling ya, Brenda."
There was an accident down at the Guinness
brewery..."
"Oh,
God no!"
cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
" I
must, Brenda. Your
husband Shamus is dead
and gone. I'm sorry." Finally,
she looked up
at Tim..
"How
did it
happen, Tim?"
"
It
was terrible,
Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh
my dear Jesus! But
you must tell me the truth,
Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well,
Brenda... no. In
fact, he got out three times to pee."
***************************************
Mary
Clancy goes up to
Father O' Grady after his Sunday
morning service, and she's in tears. He
says,
"
So what's bothering
you, Mary my dear?" She
says,
"Oh,
Father, I've got
terrible news
. My
husband passed away last night." The
priest says,
"Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary,
did he have any last requests?" S
he says, "That
he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? " She
says, He said,
'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
*********************************************** ANDTHEBESTFORLAST A
drunk staggers into
a Catholic Church, enters
a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The
Priest coughs a
few times to get his attention
but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally,
the Priest pounds
three times on the wall
. The
drunk mumbles,
"ain't no use knockin, there's
no paper on this side either!"
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I stopped
by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the
new Silverado 2011, 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out
for a test drive.
I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become
extinct...As we took a test drive the salesman (a black man
wearing
an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger
seat
describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.. The
seats
were
of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed
warm
air to your butt in the winter and directed
cool air to your
butt in
your butt in the summer heat.
Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be
a
Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I
thought
it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a
Democratic truck,
the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.
I
had to walk back to the dealership....
Damn guy had no sense of humor!
-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The SC Department
of
Employment, Division
of Labor Standards claimed a small farmer was not paying proper wages
to his
help and sent an agent out to investigate him.
<>GOV’T
AGENT: “I need a
list of your
employees and how much you pay them.”
FARMER: ”Well,
there’s my
hired hand who’s
been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and
board.
Then there’s the
mentally
challenged guy.
He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work
around
here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I
buy him a
bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He
also sleeps
with my wife occasionally.”
<>GOV’T AGENT:
“That’s the guy
I want to
talk to - the mentally challenged one.”
FARMER:
“That would be me.”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Why
Men
Wear Earrings
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing
an
earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and
is
curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"
The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into
earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies
sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods
him to
ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."
(I always wondered how this trend got started)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven..
He is atthe Pearly Gates, met by St.
Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed,
And Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St.
Peter said,
'Well, Forrest,
It is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
I musttell
you, though, that
the place is filling up fast,
And we have been administering
An entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to
Pass it before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest
responds, 'It
sure isgood
to be here, St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any entrance
Exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test
As it was.'
St.
Peter continued,
'Yes, I
Know, Forrest, but the test is only three
questions.
First:
What two days of the week
Begin with the letter T?
Second:
How many seconds are there in a year?
Third:
What is God's first name?'
Forrest
leaves to
think the
questionsover.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who
waves
him up, and
Says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think
the
questions over,
Tell me your answers.'
Forrest
replied,
'Well, the
First one -- which two days in the week begins
with
the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'
The
Saint's eyes
opened wide
and
He exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was
thinking, but you do
Have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so
I will
give you credit
For that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How
many seconds in
a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but
I thunk
and thunk about
That, and I guess the only answer can be
twelve.'
Astounded,
St. Peter
said,
'Twelve?
Twelve?Forrest,
how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
In a year?'
Forrest
replied,
'Shucks,
there's
Got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd,
March
2nd... '
'Hold
it,' interrupts
St.
Peter.
'I see where you are going with this, and I see
your
point,
Though that was not quite what I had in
mind....but I
will have to give
You credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,'
Forrest
replied,
'it's Andy.'
'Andy?'
exclaimed an
exasperated
And frustrated St Peter.
'Ok,
I can understand
how you
Came up with your answers to my first two
questions,
But just how in the
World did you come up with the name Andy as the
first
name of God?'
'Shucks,
that was the
easiest
One of all,' Forrest replied.'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St.
Peter opened the
Pearly
Gates,
And said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
Lord, Give me a sense of humor,
Give
me the
ability to
understand a clean joke!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This is why we love children!
1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when
a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was
stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note
from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child
are not necessarily those of his parents.'
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her
struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now.
She's hitting the bottle.'
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's
locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with
ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in
amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a
little boy before?'
5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was
interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at
my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I
answered
and continued writing the report. "My mother said
if I ever
needed help I should ask the police. Is that
right?" "Yes,
that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her
foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"
6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the
station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking,
and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back
there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'
7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly
shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds.
She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age,
particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs... One day I found her
staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself
for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and
whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'
8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw
her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that
suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister
heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead
robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured
a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the
disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with
sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father
always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into
the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)
10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just
wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write,
and they won't let me talk!'
11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he
fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the
Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.. What he saw was an
old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out...
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's
Adam's underwear!'
NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The
earthquake that
hit Virginia in the summer of 2011 was actually centered in Washington
D.C. on "Bush's
Fault." The earthquake actually occurred when the Founding
Fathers
rolled over in their graves..
Here's
a story for
all of your Italian friends...and Italian "wannabes".
Question: How did Cape Cod get its name?
Answer:
When the Mayflower was sailing from England to the New World, there was
an
Italian couple on board. After many weeks of hardship, the
lookout
finally called: "Land Ho", whereupon most of the passengers went to
landward
side of the vessel...including the Italian husband. But,
sadly,
he lost
his footing, fell over the railing and disappeared into the
Deep.
His wife, witnessing this, exclaimed: "What a sin!"
But,
since she could not speak English, she said it in Italian: "Che
peccato".
And there you have it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A
middle-aged man
decides to join Work-Out-World.
While he is talking with the manager, he sees a fine example of "eye
candy" working out.
He asks the manager: "Which machine do you think I should work out on
in
order to impress her?
The manager looks him over and says: "I would suggest the ATM
machine".
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Should
a Child Witness Birth?
Here's your answer.
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Matthew, a 5-yr
old boy to hold a flashlight high over his mommy so he could see
while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Matthew did as he was asked. Heidi pushed and
pushed and After a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic
lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Matthew for his
help and asked the wide-eyed 5-yr old what he thought about what
he had just witnessed.
Matthew quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in
the first place..........spank his ass again!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was
manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars
of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which
was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in
New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of
mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did
not make it to New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank,
and
the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico , who were crazy about
mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate
at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National
Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day
of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -
Sinko De Mayo.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Marines
and friends
of this Marine:
It's the way it was meant to be, I think!
The family of a retired Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant with 32 years in
the
Corps reluctantly decided that at age 92, he needed more care than they
could provide. The only decent place close to their home was a nursing
home
for retired Army soldiers.
They approached the facility and were told that, while Army vets got
first
choice, they would take vets of the other services if there happened to
be
an opening; which, by good fortune, there was.
A week after placing the retired Marine there, his sons came to visit.
"How
do you like it here, Pop?" they asked.
"It's wonderful," said the old Marine. "Great chow, lots to do,
and they
treat everyone with great respect."
"How so, Pop?"
"Well, take Harry, across the hall, 88 and was in the Air
Force.
He
hasn't
worn the uniform in 30 years, but they still call him 'General.'
"Then George, down the hall, used to lead the Army band. Hasn't
conducted
a
note in 40 years, but they still call him 'Maestro!'.
"And Bob used to be a surgeon in the Navy, has not operated on anyone
in
20
years, but they still call him 'Doctor' "
"That's fine for the other guys, Pop, but how do they treat you?"
"Me? They treat me with even more
respect. I'm 92,
haven't had sex in 10
years, and they still call me 'That Fucking Marine!'
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Puns
for Educated
Minds:
The fattest knight at King Arthur's
round
table
was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an
Alaskan
island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he
loved her
still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated
from
algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the
envelope,
it'll
still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the
road and
was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in
France
would
result in Linoleum Blownapart
Two silk worms had a race. They
ended up in a
tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist
camp wall.
The police are looking into it.
Time flies like an arrow.
Fruit flies
like a
banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet
organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack
in the
hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
I wondered why the baseball kept
getting
bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab
center
said:
'Keep off the Grass.'
The midget fortune-teller who
escaped from
prison was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas
and
pepper
spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that
counts. In
feudalism it's your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary,
they got a
taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in
Paris , you'd
be in Seine.
A vulture boards an airplane,
carrying two
dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only
one
carrion allowed per passenger.'
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Here is old age at its
best...
Russ
and Sam, two
friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the
squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured
maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a
week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they
ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so
he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but
one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ!
Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he
said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to
you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at
the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old,
I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury!'
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
DUI Alabama Style
From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes
This is a true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a
bar
in Childersburg , Alabama . After last call the officer noticed a man
leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he
tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his
car and fall into It.
He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off- it was a
fine, dry summer night- flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the
vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained
still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons'
vehicles left.
At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road.
The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the
breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any
alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to
accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must
be broken.' 'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. “Tonight I'm
the designated decoy.”
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A good
education
story....
A former Sergeant, having served his
time with the
Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher,
but just
before the school year started he injured his back.
He was required to wear a plaster cast around the
upper
part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't
noticeable. On the first day of class, he found
himself
assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher
was a
former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see
how
tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently
into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window
wide
and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked
up a
stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.
......Dead silence... He had no trouble with
discipline
that year.
SEMPER FI!!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
SERENITY
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very
elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'
'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter
asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, Can't
hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications
that Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with
dementia... Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet
anymore. Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98. Have lost all my friends. But,
thank God, I still have my driver's license.
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my
doctor's permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an
hour.
By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast
relief"
Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10
others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you
can
remember who they are!
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A first grade school
teacher
had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each
child in
her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to
come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these
were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you.
Keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the
last one is a classic!
1.
Don't
change horses
until they
stop
running.
2.
Strike
while the
bug is close.
3.
It's always
darkest
before
Daylight
Saving Time.
4.
Never
underestimate
the power of
termites.
5.
You can
lead a horse
to water but
How?
6.
Don't bite
the hand
that
looks dirty.
7.
No news is
impossible
8.
A miss is
as good as a
Mr.
9.
You can't
teach an
old dog new
Math
10.
If you lie
down with
dogs, you'll
stink in the
morning.
11.
Love all,
trust
Me.
12.
The pen is
mightier
than the
pigs.
13.
An idle
mind is
the best way
to relax.
14.
Where
there's smoke
there's
pollution.
15.
Happy the
bride who
gets all the
presents.
16.
A penny
saved is
not much.
17.
Two's
company, three's
the
Musketeers.
18.
Don't put
off till
tomorrow what
you put on
to go to
bed.
19.
Laugh and
the whole
world laughs with you, cry and
You have to
blow your
nose.
20.
There are
none so
blind as
Stevie
Wonder.
21.
Children
should be
seen and not
spanked or
grounded.
22.
If at first
you don't
succeed
get new
batteries.
23.
You get out
of
something only what you
See in the picture on the box
24.
When the
blind lead
the blind
get out of
the way.
25.
A bird in
the hand
is going to
poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26.
Better late
than
Pregnant
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the
Department
of Homeland Security. Here are their "discoveries."
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service
were
presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the
coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the
tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra
Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were
proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would
then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by
the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers
thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old
fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room
stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you
understand our problem here... these coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep...
they're eatin' 'em!" The meeting never really got back to order.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A chuckle a day keeps the
doctor away.
MONDAY
The
mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having
sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the
family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any
attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then
told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and
until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the
mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'
TUESDAY
A
man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the
preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned
fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use
profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five
thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'
WEDNESDAY
Brenda
and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather
small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed
him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large
stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'
THURSDAY
One
night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her
92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and
ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment,
killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of
murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could
screw, he could fly.'
FRIDAY
A
Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put
into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here,
years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining.
Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and
none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our
drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous
of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me
what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years
after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'
SATURDAY
Bob,
a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club
with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired
woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and
charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every
word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance,
they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?'
Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but
continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied
about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
SUNDAY
Groups
of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As they
stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of
cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the
group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she
explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer
produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old
goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
New Wine for Seniors
I kid you not....New Wine for
Seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce
Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new
hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make
to the bathroom during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as
PINO MORE
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
> A
senior citizen drove his
brand new Corvette convertible out of the
> dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 90 mph,
enjoying the
> wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
> >
> > 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down the interstate,
pushing
the pedal
> even more.
> >
> > Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state
trooper
behind him,
> lights flashing and siren blaring.
> >
> > He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120.
Suddenly he
thought, what
> am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await
the
trooper's
> arrival.
> >
> > Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the
Corvette,
looked at
> his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today
is
Friday. If
> you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard
before, I'll
> let you go.'
> >
> > The old man paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife
ran off
with a State
> Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'
> >
> >
> > 'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Article published in The Day, Nov 27, 2010 Dr. vs.
artichoke: No rest for the stupid Kenton Robinson By now, you're probably groaning at the very notion
of one
more leftover turkey sandwich. ("I'd kill that turkey," you mutter, "if
it weren't already dead.") Or you're sickened by the thought of still
another dollop of marshmallow-pimpled sweet potatoes. Even your
favorite pumpkin pie is starting to taste kind of "samey." But your gastronomical trials pale beside those of
Arturo
Carvajal, allegedly an actual doctor of medicine in Miami. You will
understand why I say "allegedly" in a moment. Carvajal is suing a restaurant, because when he
ordered an
artichoke at said restaurant, the waiter neglected to tell him how to
eat it. Here is what the waiter should have told him: The artichoke, for you who've never partaken, is the
lobster of vegetables. Which is to say, it is a spiky, forbidding thing
that will attack you, beat you to within an inch of your life and drive
off in your car, unless you have the proper tools to take it apart. So, for example, while your average artichoke weighs
about
as much as a small cavoodle, one normally uses forceps, scalpel, clamp,
sponge and a bonesaw to dissect it in order to eat the edible
fly-speck-sized green vegetal flesh lurking within. Then one throws the
rest away. But the waiter didn't tell him this, and Carvajal, an
alleged doctor, ATE THE WHOLE THING. Which must have taken amazing persistence, given that
this
would be much like eating an entire lobster, shell, claws, eyeballs and
all. The chewing alone must have taken Carvajal far into the night, all
the other diners long since gone home and fallen asleep watching Leno,
while Carvajal stubbornly worked his jaw. No surprise then that Carvajal ended up in the
hospital,
stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey, where doctors had to remove some
1,253 prickly, leathery artichoke leaves from his bowels. So now Carvajal is suing. Because, after all, when you're that stupid, you're
too
stupid to see how stupid you are to advertise your own stupidity. Yes, we've read hundreds of stories like this.
There's
always some idiot who tries to blame someone else for his idiocy. (Why
don't these morons ever sue their parents?) And there's always some
jury composed of similar idiots who award the idiot a gazillion dollars. Dear "Doctor" Carvajal: Next time you go out to eat,
try
the lobster. This is the opinion of Kenton Robinson.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This
is a very sad story about a bear. Everybody should heed the
warning to not feed wildlife because they become dependent and cannot
forage for themselves anymore. This
is such a tragedy to
see what they have done to our country's wildlife! The photo below
captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect US
wildlife . . .
Animals
that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging
to the Democrat Party..... as they have apparently learned to just sit
on their ass and wait for the government to step in and provide for
their care and sustenance. This photo is of a Democrat black bear in
Montana nicknamed:
Bearack
Obearma.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Best joke for
2010 so far
George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
Putin writes him a check.
Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.
When
she
is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so
she writes him a check.
Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When
he
is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.
When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush
got to call the USA so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has
gone to hell, so it's a local call."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The
Singing Anesthesiologists -This one is just
too
funny! Listen carefully to the words!
These singers are
all Anesthesiologistsin
Minnesota and
they canreally sing.
They
are also
funny. Here they sing "Waking up is hard to do"
A lawyer and a senior
citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight..
The
lawyer is thinking that
seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.
So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to playa fun
game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he
politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
The
lawyer persists
saying that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question,
and
if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5. Then you
ask me
one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.
This
catches
the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play
the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the
distance
from the Earth to the Moon?'
The
senior doesn't say
a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and
hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's
the senior's turn.
He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and
comes down with four?'
The
lawyer uses his laptop
and searches all references he could find on the Net.
He sends
e-mails to all the
smart friends he knows; all to no avail. After an hour of
searching, he finally gives up.
He wakes
the senior and
hands him $500. The senior pockets the $500 and goes right
back
to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the
answer.
He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a
hill
with three legs and comes down with four?'
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5
and
goes back to sleep.
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
"Pick upyour
shovels,
mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the
Promised Land."
Nearly 75 years ago,(when Welfare was introduced) Rooseveltsaid, "Lay
downyour
shovels, sit
on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised
Land."
Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price
ofcamels
and mortgaged
the Promised Land!
I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the
economy,the
wars, lost
jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. Icalled a
Suicide Hotline.
I had to press 1 for English. I was connected toa call
center in Pakistan. I
told them I was suicidal. They got excited andasked if I
could drive a
truck.
EVER SINCE
I WAS A
CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT
NIGHT. SO
I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time
I
go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm
scared.
I think I'm going crazy.'
'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come
talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those
fears'.
'How much
do you
charge?'
'Eighty
dollars per
visit,' replied the doctor.
'I'll think
about it,' I said.
Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't
you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he
asked.
'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful
lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have
saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask,
did a bartender cure you?'
'He told me to remove the legs of the bed! - Ain't nobody
under
there now!!!'
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Experience usually trumps! - GS
An elderly man in
Louisiana
had owned a large farm for several years. He
had a large pond in
the back. It
was properly shaped
for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe
courts, and some apple, and peach trees. One
evening the old
farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a
while, and look it over. He
grabbed a
five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As
he neared the pond,
he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As
he came closer, he
saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping
in his
pond. He
made the women
aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One
of the women
shouted to him, 'we're not coming out
until you
leave!' The
old man
frowned, 'I didn't come down
here to
watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.' Holding the bucket
up he
said, 'I'm
here to feed the alligator.' Some
old men can still
think fast.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand
up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do
you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you
standing there all by yourself!'
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her
face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself
beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a
tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She
called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry
quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police
station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10
most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and
asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the
policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry
asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as
his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the
horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked,
'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm
buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good
shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS
guy wants to buy Mom ....'
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A
first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too
smart for the
1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I
think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.. Brooks had had
enough. She took
Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the
outer
office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he
failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st
grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and
the
conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x
3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x
6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every
question the
principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at
Ms. Brooks and
tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the
principal, 'Let
me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry
both agreed.
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What
does a cow
have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment:
'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in
your pants that
you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered
why would she
ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a
dog do that a
man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
The principal sat forward
with his
mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in
hard and
pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes
opened really
wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a
man do
standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was
trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word
starts with an
'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a
sigh of
relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the
last seven questions wrong...'
- - - - -
A
teenage boy had
just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they
could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades
up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your
hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the
offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades
up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm
disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've
noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the
Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong
evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
You're
going to
love the Dad's reply:
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'
- - - - -
Very good...and much appreciated by an English
Major. GS
> On his 74th
birthday, a man got a
gift certificate from his wife. The
> certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a
nearby
> reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for
erectile
> dysfunction.
>
> After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his
ticket to the
> medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
>
> The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it
to
him, and
> with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful
medicine,
and it
> must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say
'1-2-3.' When
> you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever
been in
your
> life, and you can perform as long as you want."
>
> The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and
asked,
"How do I
> stop the medicine from working?"
>
> "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she
does, the
> medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
>
> He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home,
showered,
shaved,
> took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join
him in
> the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and
said,
"1-2-3!"
>
> Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
>
> His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and
then
she asked,
> "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
>
> And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our
sentences
with a
> preposition, because we could end up with a dangling
participle.
At
St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's
marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe,
who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few
minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married
to the same woman all these years. Giuseppe replied to the
assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA
money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th
anniversary!' The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an
amazing
inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you
are
planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?' Giuseppe proudly
replied, " I gonna go picka her up." - Unknown The
Older Crowd,
Unknown
BARABING!!
The Haircut
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,
'I
cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this
week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was
a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his
bill,
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm
doing
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a
'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay
his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you.
I'm
doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy
and
left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a
dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference
between
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE
SAME
REASON
Every
once
in awhile you hear a good CLEAN joke that you feel obligated
to pass along, and this is one of them.
Father O'Malley
rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in
his new
Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a
deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside.
He
then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of
his
front lawn.
He
promptly
called the US House of Representatives for assistance.
The
conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is
speaker
Pelosi.
How
might I
help you?"
"And
the
best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.
There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so
kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the
matter?"
Speaker
Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a
smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people
took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line
for
a long moment.
Father
O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also
obliged to first notify the next of kin."
> A young Texan
grew up
wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 4'', and strong as a
longhorn and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in
the air at 40 paces. When he finally became of age he applied to where
he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sherriff's Department.
> After a big mess of tests and interviews the Chief Deputy
finally
called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
> The Chief Deputy says, "You're a big strong kid and you can
really
shoot. So far your qualifications all look good. But we have
what
you call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you
can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge son."
> Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the
desk,
the Chief says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal
aliens, six ACLU lawyers, six Democrat senators, six meth dealers, six
Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
> "Why the rabbit?" the young man asked.
> "Great attitude," says the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"
"Did you know that there
is now a male
version of Mustang Ranch in Nevada, for women?
For $50., the "escort" will talk dirty to you.
For $100., he will go to bed with you.
And for $200., he will listen to you."
That's a thigh-slapper...and a keeper. Thanks. But
I don't
need the warning now. GS
Man of the house
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE
THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.
He stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my
word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the
kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow morning, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"
The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first
guess."
"Did you hear the one
about..." the Sunday
NYTimes
carrying a section called"Night Lines", quoting the
likes of Jay
Leno, Conan O'Brien Jimmy Kimmel and Jon Stewart? (See
Sunday,
July
17, 2005, Wk, p2). Very funny. One
example from Jimmy
Kimmel: "Brad Pitt is in the hospital.
Nurses say it's
not
anything serious, although just to be on the safe side, they've already
given him 11 sponge baths." But that's nothing. I
know a nurse (my wife)
who used to tell her young buck patients: "I'll wash down as
far as
possible. I'll wash up as far as possible. You wash
'Possible'". GS
Art Linkletter used to
say "People are
Funny".
That's not the entire story. See the article by Kenton
Robinson
in
The Day (theday.com), Sunday, December 21, 2003, entitled: "Oh,
what a year it was" (Daybreak, pG1). Since we all
belong to
the
same genus and species, these stories made me wince. GS
