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A Bit of Whimsey

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Roy Wood Jr.: Prank Call - Barbara's Check (My Check): HILLARIOUS

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Rapid Response for THURSDAY, July 6, 2017

RR#1

"GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."

GS

Reliques

IN CASE YOU DIDN'T ALREADY KNOW THIS LITTLE TIDBIT OF
WONDERFUL TRIVIA..............
             ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR
MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
             HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON,
             "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR
MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
             BUT, JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE
ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
             MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK
CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
             HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER
THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

             OVER THE YEARS, MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO
WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS
JUST SMILED.

             ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING
QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD
QUESTION ABOUT MR.GORSKY AND
             THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED BECAUSE HIS MR. GORSKY
HAD JUST DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE
QUESTION.
             HERE IS THE ANSWER TO
             "WHO WAS MR. GORSKY?":
             IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN,
HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.
             HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S
YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.
             HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
             AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG
HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT
             MR. GORSKY,
             "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT
DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
             It broke the place up.
             NEIL ARMSTRONG'S FAMILY CONFIRMED THAT
             THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

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YESTERDAY MY DAUGHTER E-MAILED ME AGAIN, ASKING WHY I DIDN'T DO
SOMETHING USEFUL WITH MY TIME.

“LIKE SITTING AROUND THE POOL AND DRINKING WINE IS NOT A GOOD THING?” I ASKED.

TALKING ABOUT MY "DOING-SOMETHING-USEFUL" SEEMS TO BE HER FAVORITE
TOPIC OF CONVERSATION.
SHE WAS  "ONLY THINKING OF ME", SHE SAID, AND SUGGESTED THAT I GO
DOWN TO 'SENIOR NET' AND HANG OUT WITH THE GUYS.

I DID THIS AND WHEN I GOT HOME LAST NIGHT, I DECIDED TO PLAY A PRANK ON HER.
I E-MAILED HER AND TOLD HER THAT I HAD JOINED A PARACHUTE CLUB.

SHE REPLIED,  "ARE YOU NUTS?  YOU ARE 80 YEARS OLD AND NOW YOU'RE
GOING TO START JUMPING OUT OF AIRPLANES?"

I TOLD HER THAT I EVEN GOT A MEMBERSHIP CARD AND E-MAILED A COPY TO HER.

SHE IMMEDIATELY TELEPHONED ME AND YELLED, "GOOD GRIEF, DAD, WHERE ARE
YOUR GLASSES? THIS IS A MEMBERSHIP TO A PROSTITUTE CLUB, NOT A
PARACHUTE CLUB."

"OH MAN, I'M IN TROUBLE AGAIN,” I SAID, “I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO
DO I SIGNED UP FOR FIVE JUMPS A WEEK!!"

THE LINE WENT QUIET AND HER FRIEND PICKED UP THE PHONE AND SAID THAT
MY DAUGHTER HAD FAINTED

LIFE AS A SENIOR CITIZEN IS NOT GETTING ANY EASIER, BUT SOMETIMES IT CAN BE FUN.

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Rapid Response for SUNDAY, May 21, 2017

"WHAT WE HAVE HERE IS A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE"...ANY MORE.

GS

GreatOrators of the Democrat Party - PAST:

"One man with courage makes a majority." ~Andrew Jackson

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself." ~Franklin D. Roosevelt

 "The buck stops here." ~ Harry S. Truman

"Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country." ~John F. Kennedy

AND NOW:

Great Orators of the Democrat Party – TODAY:

"It depends what your definition of 'is' is?'’ ~ President William J. Clinton

"Those rumors are false. I believe in the sanctity of marriage." ~ John Edwards

"What difference does it make?" (re: Benghazi) ~ Hillary Clinton

"I invented the Internet." ~Al Gore

"America is, is no longer, uh, what it, uh, could be, uh, what it was once was, uh, and I say to myself, uh, I don't want that future, uh, for my children." ~ Barack Obama

"I have campaigned in all 57 states." ~ Barack Obama (Quoted 2008)

"You don't need God anymore; you have us Democrats." ~Nancy Pelosi (Quoted 2006) (A really, really stupid remark….!!!)

"Paying taxes is voluntary." ~Sen. Harry Reid

"Bill is the greatest husband and father I know. No one is more faithful, true, and honest than he is." ~Hillary Rodham Clinton (Quoted1998)

"You have a business. You didn't build that. Someone else did!" ~ Barack Obama (Quoted 2012)

And the most ridiculous gem of wisdom, from the "Mother Superior Moron":
"We just have to pass the Healthcare Bill to see what's in it." ~ Nancy Pelosi (Quoted March,2010)
(As one Doctor said: "That is also the perfect definition of a stool sample.")

Beyond a doubt, the greatest statement of all was made by Democrat House Speaker Sam Rayburn at the first Congressional session after Ted Kennedy was caught, on camera, having sex with one of his aides on the deck of his yacht.

"Ah see that the good Senatuh from the great state of Massutwoshits has changed his position on off shore drillin”... !

HOW FORTUNATE WE ARE TO HAVE HAD SUCH BRILLIANT MINDS IN CHARGE OF OUR ONCE - GREAT COUNTRY!!

________________________________

A Great Republican:

"Life is tough! It's even tougher when you're stupid.'' ~ John Wayne

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Rapid Response for FRIDAY, May 19, 2017

HILARIOUS!
I owe you one...but not a colonoscopy.
I'm going to use this to "prep" my patients awaiting this experience.

GS
 
SUBJECT: COLONOSCOPY

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry was a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
 
Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis.
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy' s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep.. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

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THURSDAY, May 9, 2017

"RESEARCH CONFIRMS THAT DRINKING GIVES YOU THE SAME BENEFITS YOGA DOES".

GS

Yoga vs. Drinking (.pdf)

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Rapid Response for MONDAY through WEDNESDAY, May 8 through 10, 2017

GREAT!

And now I understand what it's all about.

GS

RETARDED GRANDPARENT

After Christmas vacation, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.
 
One child wrote the following:
 
We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Stayyoung Bay in Florida, where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!
 
They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
 
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.
 
At their gate, there is a dollhouse with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out and go cruising in their golf carts!
 
Nobody there cooks; they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds.
 
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the dollhouse. The ones who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center for potluck.
 
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday, too.
 
When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the dollhouse. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren.

PRICELESS!

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BARABING!
Thanks. I needed that.

GS

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
 
She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
 
A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.
 
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
 
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
 
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
 
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all-around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
 
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
 
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
 
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
 
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
 
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
 
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.

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Why We Need The Marines

The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers.

Addressing all boat personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, "The female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."

He continued, "Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500. Are there any questions?"
 
At this point, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant from the security detail assigned to the ship stood up in the crowd and inquired...
 
"Sir, how much for a season pass?"

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I found this timely, because today I was in a store that sells sunglasses, and only sunglasses.  A young lady walks over to me and asks, "what brings you in today?".

I looked at her, and said, I'm interested in buying a refrigerator.  She didn't quite know how to respond.

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse.  I can't afford one.  So I'm wearing my garage door opener.

I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call "blue teeth", I think.

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it 'Pumping Rust'.

When people see a cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?'  Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'An ambulance.'

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older.  Then it dawned on me.  They were cramming for their finals.  As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

Some people try to turn back their "odometers." Not me. I want people to know why I look this way.  I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

Ah! Being young is beautiful but being old is comfortable.

Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!

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SO...WHAT'S THE POINT...?

GS

A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to
provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for
that. However, I want you to appreciate it.
As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."
And so it happened.
His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful
financially. When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the
coffin, they remembered his wish.
First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.
Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.
Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn.  He dipped into his pocket, took out
his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and
took the $2,000 cash.
He later went on to become a member of Congress.

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HILARIOUS...AND TRUE!
I really needed that after my recent days "getting out of Dodge".
Make sure you eata a nicea pasta breakfasta on Monday morning before coming to work!

GS

Italians (.pdf)

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Good Old Winter (.pdf)

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Rapid Response for THURSDAY, January 27, 2016

AND WHY DOES SHE ALWAYS REMIND ME OF MOM?

GS

Why? (.pdf)

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Psychiatrist vs. Bartender

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a
fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told
him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under
it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands
for one year, said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we should
be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met
me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were
having?” He asked.

“Well, Eighty bucks a visit,
three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I
was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup
truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an
attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.
Ain't nobody under there now.”

It's always better to get a second opinion.

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A group of men live and die for their Saturday morning golf game.

One transfers to another city and they're lost without him.

A new woman joins their Club. When she hears the guys talking losing their 4th, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?

"No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says. Okay, but we start at 6:30 am. He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay".

She's there at 6:30 am sharp and  beats all of them with an eye-opening 2-under par round.

She's fun and pleasant and the guys are impressed. They congratulate her and invite her back the next week. She smiles, and says, "I'll be there at 6:30 or 6:45."

The next week she again shows up at 6:30 sharp. Only this time, she plays left-handed...
The three guys are incredulous as she still beats them with an even par round, despite playing with her off-hand. They're totally amazed, but can't figure her out. She's very pleasant and a gracious winner. They invite her back again, but each man harbours a burning desire to beat her.

The third week, she's 15 minutes late and plays right-handed, narrowly beating all three of them.   This, too, irritates the guys.

The men grumble that her late arrival is petty gamesmanship on her part. However, she's so charming and complimentary of their strong play, they can't hold a grudge.  But, they all agree that she is a riddle that they can't figure out.

After the match, they all go into the clubhouse to have a few beers and settle up the bets.  After the third round of drinks, one of the men finally asks her, "How do you ,make the decision whether you're going to play right-handed or left-handed?"

The lady blushes and grins. "When my Dad taught me to play golf, I learned I was ambidextrous," she replies. "I like to switch back and forth."

"When I got married after college, I discovered my husband always sleeps in the nude.

From then on, I developed a silly habit.

Right before I leave in the morning for golf practice, I pull the covers off him. If his willie points to the right, I golf right-handed, if it points to the left, I golf left-handed."

The guys think this is hysterical.

Astonished at this bizarre information, one of the guys asks, "What if it's pointing straight up?"

She says, "Then, I'm fifteen minutes late."

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A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.
 
The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.'
 
 So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, 'Come on in.'
 When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.
 
A man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'
 
'Uh...yeah! , sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.
 
'Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.
 
Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self.'
  
 Wow, that's great!' the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, 'I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'
 
'No problem,' said the genie 'You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!'
 
'And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.
 
'I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants,' she said.
 
'Consider it done,' the genie said. 'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'
 
     'And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'what's your wish, genie?'
 
'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife.'
 The husband looked at his wife and said, 'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'
She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'
 
You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband.  I'd do the same for you!'
 
So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other.
 
     The genie was insatiable.
 After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, How old are you and your husband?'
 
 'Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.
 'No Kidding,' he said.
 
   'Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?'

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  During a  commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot  was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the  baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother  began nursing the infant as discreetly as  possible.
 
  The pilot  pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered  his assistance to help with the various baby-related items. When the  young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded,  "that's a good looking baby, and he sure was  hungry!" Somewhat  embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears. The Air Force  Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed, "And  all these years, I've been chewing  gum."

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Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism, or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.  The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.  The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.  The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.  Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our faiths. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice, Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue."

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won.

"I haven't a clue," said the rabbi. "First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.  The rabbi shrugged his shoulders:  "Who knows?  He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Study the picture first and then read the story.



This actually happened to an Englishman in France who was totally drunk.

A French policeman stops the Englishman's car and asks if he has been drinking.   
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.   
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and verifies that he is indeed totally sloshed.   
He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested.   
The Englishman answers with a bit of humour,   
"No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is driving . . . . . on the other side?"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical 
clinic. 

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your 

treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000." 

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans 

about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. 

So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. 

This is what transpired: 

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please 

help me ??" 

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in 

Dr. Young's mouth." 

Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "This is Gasoline!" 

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be 

$500." 

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to 

recover his money. 

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." 

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in 

the patient's mouth." 

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!" 

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be 

$500." 

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after 

several more days. 

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything !!!! 

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your 

$1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill) 

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!" 

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500." 

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can 

outsmart an "old Geezer !"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:

1. I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

2. Sometimes I roll my eyes out loud.

3. I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

4. My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

5. The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

6. When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.. 

7. The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

8. Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.

9. Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller. 

10. At my age "Getting Lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

>
> TWO OF THE YEAR'S BEST COMEBACK RESPONSES
>
>
> Number 1:
>
> If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have
> been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined
> by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was
> trying to undermine the police officer's credibility...
>
>
> Q:  'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the
> scene?'  
>
> A:   'No sir. But I subsequently observed a
> person matching the description of the offender, running
> several blocks away.'
>
> Q:   'Officer -- who provided this
> description?' 

> A:   'The officer who responded to the
> scene.' 
>
> Q:   'A fellow officer provided the
> description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your
> fellow officers?'
>  
> A:   'Yes, sir. With my life.'
>
> Q:   'With your life? Let me ask you this then
> officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in
>  preparation for your daily duties?'
>
> A:   'Yes sir, we do!'
>
> Q:   'And do you have a locker in the
> room?'  
>
> A:   'Yes, sir, ... I do.'
>
> Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
>
> A:   'Yes, sir.'
>
> Q:   'Now, ... why is it, officer, if you
> trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it
> necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these
> same officers?' 
>
> A:   'You see, sir -- we share the building
> with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been
> known to walk through that room.'
>
> The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess
> was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for
> this year's 'Best Comeback' line --  and we
> think he'll win.
>
>
>
> Number 2:
>
> Now We Know Why He Was a General  -----

>
>
> In an recent interview, General Norman Schwarzkopf was asked
> if he thought there  was room for  forgiveness
> toward the people who have harbored and abetted the
> terrorists who  perpetrated the 9/11 attacks on
> America.
>
> His answer was classic Schwarzkopf.
>
> The General said, "I  believe that forgiving them
> is God's function .... OUR job is to arrange the
> meeting."
>


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

 

No matter how good she looks,

some other guy is sick and tired

of putting up with her shit.

Men' s Room Linda's Bar and Grill

Chapel Hill, NC

 

=0 A

It's hard to make a comeback

when you haven't been anywhere.

Written in the dust on the back of a bus

Wickenburg , AZ

 

Make love, not war.

Hell, do both...

GET MARRIED!

Women's restroom

The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT

 

If voting could really change things,

it would be illegal.

Revolution Books

New York , New York

 

If pro is opposite of con,

Then    what is the opposite of progress?

Congress!

Men's restroom House of Representatives,

Washington , DC

 

Express Lane:

Five beers or less.

Sign over one of the urinals

Ed Debevic's, Phoenix , AZ

 

You're too good for him..

Sign over mirror in Women's restroom

Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA

 

No wonder you always go home alone.

Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,

Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills , CA

 

 

A Woman's Rule of Thumb:

If it has tires or testicles,

you're going to have trouble with it.

Women's restroom

Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX

0A

 

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot
and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman,
you must love her a lot and
not try to understand her at all.

________________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do,
but married men are a lot more willing to die...

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING
YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings,
poking me in the ribs and cackling,
telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the
same thing to them at funerals.

_____________________________


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

God's plan for aging

Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.

And God looked down and saw that it was good. <>Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.<>

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9  Death is the number 1 killer in the world.   

#8  Life is sexually transmitted.   

#7  Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.   

#6   Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.   

#5  Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.   

#4  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.  

#3  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.   

#2  In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.   

#1  Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

And the sign said...

Gynecologist's Office:

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

 

**********

In a Podiatrist's office:

"Time wounds all heels."

 

************

On a Septic Tank Truck:

Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

 

**************************        

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for,      
you've come to the right place."

 

**************************

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed."

 

**************************

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. 
Call your plumber."

 

**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee :

"Invite us to your next blowout."

**************************

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts."

 

**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:

"If we see smoke, we will assume you 
are on fire and take appropriate action."

 

**************************

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push."

 

**************************

At a Car Dealership:

"The best way to get back on your feet 
- miss a car payment."

 

**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:

"No appointment necessary. 
We hear you coming."

 

**************************

In a Veterinarian's 
waiting room:

"Be back in 5 minutes. 
Sit! Stay!"

 

**************************

At the Electric Company

"We would be delighted if you 
send in your payment.

However, if you don't, you will be."

 

**************************

In a Restaurant window:

"Don't stand there and be hungry;      
come on in and get fed up."

 

**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

 

**************************

At a Propane Filling Station:

"Thank heaven for little grills."

 

**************************

And don't forget the sign at a

CHICAGO RADIATOR SHOP:

"Best place in town to take a leak."

 

**************************

Sign on the back of another 
Septic Tank Truck:

"Caution - This Truck is full 
of Political Promises"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A good laugh for people in the over 60 group!
 
When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter.
 
I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses,
my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way.
I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.
 
My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.
 
The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive.
I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.
 
I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship...
 
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.
 
 To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.
 
The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the
grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.
 
Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual."  Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look.
 
I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, "No, but I do fart a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 60. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are. I figured your sense of humor could handle it.
 
We senior citizens don't need any more gadgets.
The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

BRITISH HUMOR

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U. K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!   

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.   

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
 
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
 
JOINING NUDIST COLONY !
Must sell washer and dryer 100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie

FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, 200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
 
DUE TO CURRENT ECONOMIC CONDITIONS THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL HAS BEEN TURNED OFF

Children Are Quick
 
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Subject: Sex After Death

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all. 

After a long life together, Frank was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact: "Kris, Kris, can you hear me?" 

"Is that you, Frank?" 

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed." 

"That's wonderful! What's it like?" 

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (and Kris, you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. 

After supper, it's back to the golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again". 

"Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?" 

"No -- I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

>
>    Indian Wanting Coffee
>
>
>    An Indian walks into a  cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other.  He says to the waiter:
>
>    "Want coffee."
>
>    The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."
>
>    He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee...
>
>    The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal
>     to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
>    
>    The next morning the Indian returns.  He  has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with  the other. He
>    walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:
>
>    "Want coffee."
>
>    The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!  We're still cleaning up your  mess from yesterday.  What was that all about, anyway?
>
>    The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in  United States Congress.  Come in, drink coffee, shoot the
>    bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
>

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Just for Fun (.pdf)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Old NICK

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favourite rooster, old NICK, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old NICK's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover

To Fred's amazement, old NICK had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old NICK, he entered him in the Brisbane City Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old NICK the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old NICK was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, the bells are not always audible.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -



- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with ya Father. A while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell."

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left me hat."


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THAT'S ME DOING MY FIRST APPENDECTOMY, 1957.

GS



- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Nurse (.pdf)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

These quotes go for BOTH political parties equally..........

Apolitical Aphorisms

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Henry Cate, VII~

We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office
~Aesop~

If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~Will Rogers~

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow~

Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~Author unknown~

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton~

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~

I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952~

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan~

I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle~

Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson~

There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on senators.
~Will Rogers~


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

GETTING OLDER  

A distraught senior citizen  

phoned her doctor's office.  

"Is it true," she wanted to know,

"that the medication  

you prescribed has to be taken  

for the rest of my life?"  

"'Yes, I'm afraid so,"' the doctor told her.  

There was a moment of silence  

before the senior lady replied,  

"I'm wondering, then,  

just how serious is my condition  

because this prescription is marked  

'NO REFILLS'.."  

 

***********************  

An older gentleman was

on the operating table  

awaiting surgery  

and he insisted that his son,  

a renowned surgeon,  

perform the operation.  

As he was about to get the anesthesia,  

he asked to speak to his son.  

"Yes, Dad , what is it?"  

"Don't be nervous, son;  

do your best,  

and just remember,  

if it doesn't go well,  

if something happens to me,  

your mother  

is going to come and  

live with you and your wife...."  

(I LOVE IT!)  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  

Aging:  

Eventually you will reach a point

when you stop lying about your age  

and start bragging about it. This is so true. I love  

to hear them say "you don't look that old."  

 

---------------------------------  

The older we get,

the fewer things  

seem worth waiting in line for.  

 

---------------------------------  

Some people

try to turn back their odometers.  

Not me!  

I want people to know why  

I look this way.  

I've traveled a long way  

and some of the roads weren't paved.  

 

********************  

When you are dissatisfied  

and would like to go back to youth,  

think of Algebra.  

 

-------------------------------  

One of the many things

no one tells you about aging  

is that it is such a nice change  

from being young.  

~~~~~~~~~~~  

Ah, being young is beautiful,  

but being old is comfortable.  

*********  

First you forget names,  

then you forget faces.  

Then you forget to pull up your zipper...  

it's worse when  

you forget to pull it down.  

````````````````  

Two guys, one old, one young,  

are pushing their carts aroundWal-Mart  

when they collide.  

The old guy says to the young guy,  

"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,  

and I guess I wasn't paying attention  

to where I was going."  

The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.  

I'm looking for my wife, too...  

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."  

The old guy says, "Well,

maybe I can help you find her...  

what does she look like?"  

The young guy says,

"Well, she is 27 yrs. old,tall,  

with red hair,  

blue eyes, is buxom...wearing no bra,  

long legs,  

and is wearing short shorts.  

What does your wife look like?'  

To which the old guy says,"Doesn't matter,  

--- let's look for yours."  

(ADORABLE)  

 

*********************  

(And this final one especially for me,)  

"Lord,

keep Your arm around my shoulder  

and Your hand over my mouth!"

 

Now, if you feel this doesn't apply to you . . . stick around awhile . . . it will!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Children Writing About the Ocean….*


1) - This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) - Oysters' balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) - If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don't
have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)

4) - Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson . She's not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) - A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head.
(Billy, age 8)

6) - My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and
pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) - When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean.
Sometimes when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the
wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans.
(William, age 7)

8) - Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I
like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant?
Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) - I'm not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is
always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just
got pregnant, so I can't think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) - Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can
give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they
have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) - When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy
small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) - Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Divers can't go
down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky, age 8)

13) - On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going
very fast. She says she won't do it again because water fired right up her
big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

14) - The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don't drown I
don't know. (Bobby, age 6)

15) - My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean.
What he doesn't know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom.(James,
age 7)


  *If you didn't smile at one of these, you need to find a better sense of
humor.*

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Paraprosdokians (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Enjoy!

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put  'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. (ever been to Wal Mart)

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

Spread the Laughter
Share the Cheer
Let's Be Happy

While We're here!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

MILITARY RULES

 Marine Corps Rules:

 1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
 2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
 3. Have a plan.
 4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
 5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
 6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
 7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
 8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. Lateral & diagonal preferred.
 9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
 10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
 11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
 12. In 10 years no one will remember details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They'll only

      remember who lived.
 13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.
 
 Navy SEAL Rules:
 
 1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
 2. Kill every living thing within view.
 3. Adjust Speedo.
 4. Check hair in mirror.
 
 US Army Rangers Rules:
 
>1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
 2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
 3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
 4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
 5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.
 
US Army Rules:
 
 1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
 2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
 3. Curse bitterly.
 4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd Lts; they can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

 US Air Force Rules:
 
 1. Have a cocktail.
 2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
 4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
 5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
 6. Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
  8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
 9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.
 
 
 US Navy Rules:
 
 1. Go to Sea.
 2. Drink Coffee.
 3. Deploy Marines
 
 Go Navy !
 
 And ... You've got to love the military, and God bless them all. They guard your freedom!
 
 U.S. Navy Directive 16134 ( Inappropriate T-Shirts )
 
 The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval installations

in the Middle East. (It was obviously directed at the Marines.)
 

To: All Commands
 
 Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts

 Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K

 All commanders promulgate upon receipt. The following T-shirts are no longer to be

worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:
 
 1. 'Eat Pork or Die' [both English and Arabic versions]
 2. 'Shrine Busters' [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting

     Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
 3. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more.' {Both English and Arabic versions]
 4. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' [Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English.

     Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]
 5. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' [Both Arabic and English versions]
 6. 'Pork. The other white meat.' {Arabic version]
 7. 'Infidel' [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]
 
 The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.

 In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:
 
 1. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily.'
 2. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?'
 
 All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of
your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will
give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years
and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do
tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life
span." 
 
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time
to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.
 
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field
with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give
milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span
of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty
years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and
enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my
twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the
ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy
ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our
family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the
grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and
bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as
a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

____________________________________________________________________________

***_
_*
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift
I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...

____________________________________________________________________________


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes.'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

___________________________________________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started ...

______________________________________________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a

\drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.  I
asked her, "Do you

know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to
drinking right after we

split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
long?"
And then the fight started...

______________________________________________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get

it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the shed, the boat,

making beer. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought
of a clever way

to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with

a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and
then went into the house.

I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a
toothbrush. I said,

"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________________________________________________________

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked,
"What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
_______________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a
torrential downpour. The wind

was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the
radio, and discovered that the

weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into

bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather

out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...

________________________________________________________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something

shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started...

________________________________________________________________________________


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told
the woman that I was very sorry,

but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security

application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office. She said,

'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...

___________________________________________________________________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not
happy with what she saw and said

to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to
pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started...

___________________________________________________________________________________

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!  The
driver got out of the other car, and he

was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'
So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.

___________________________________________________________________________________

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

These are funny ---> Funny Pictures

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

>
>>> 7 Reasons Not To Mess With Children
>>>
>>>
>>> A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
>>>
>>>
>>> The teacher said it was physically impossible for a
>>> whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very
>>> large mammal its throat was very small.
>>>
>>> The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a
>>> whale.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could
>>> not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
>>>
>>> The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will
>>> ask Jonah'.
>>>
>>>
> The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to
>>> hell?'
>>>
>>>
>>> The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
>>>
>>>
>>> A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of
>>> children while they were drawing. She would occasionally
>>> walk around to see each child's work.
>>>
>>>
>>> As she got to one little girl who was working
>>> diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
>>>
>>> The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
>>>
>>> The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what
>>> God looks like.'
>>>
>>>
>>> Without missing a beat, or looking up from her
> drawing,
>>> the girl replied, 'They will in a minute.'
>>>
>>>
>>> A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten
>>> Commandments with her five and six year olds.
>>>
>>>
>>> After explaining the commandment to 'honour'
>>> thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, 'Is there a
>>> commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and
>>> sisters?'
>>>
>>> From the back, one little boy (the oldest of a family)
>>> answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> One day a little girl was sitting and watching her
>>> mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly
>>> noticed that her mother had
> several strands of white hair
>>> sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
>>>
>>>
>>> She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked,
>>> 'Why are some of your hairs white, Mum?'
>>>
>>> Her mother replied, 'Well, every time that you do
>>> something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs
>>> turns white.'
>>>
>>>
>>> The little girl thought about this revelation for a
>>> while and then said, 'Mummy, how come ALL of
>>> grandma's hairs are white?'
>>>
>>>
>>> I love this one!
>>>
>>> The children had all been photographed, and the teacher
>>> was trying to persuade them each
> to buy a copy of the group
>>> picture.
>>>
>>>
>>> 'Just think how nice it will be to look at it when
>>> you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer,
>>> she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael,
>>> He's a doctor.'
>>>
>>> A small voice at the back of the room rang out,
>>> 'And there's the teacher, she's dead.'
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the
>>> blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said,
>>> 'Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you
>>> know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the
>>> face.'
>>>
>>>
>>> 'Yes,'
> the class said.
>>>
>>> 'Then why is it that while I am standing upright in
>>> the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my
>>> feet?'
>>>
>>> A little fellow shouted,
>>>
>>> 'Cause your feet ain't empty.'
>>>
>>>
>>> I LIKE THE NEXT ONE IN PARTICULAR
>>>
>>> The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a
>>> Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the
>>> table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and
>>> posted on the apple tray:
>>>
>>>
>>> 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
>>>
>>> Moving further along the lunch line, at the other
> end
>>> of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
>>>
>>> A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God
>>> is watching the apples..'
>>>

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA.There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her.

In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared.


The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care...they turned you down."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

<>Italian Auction - only 44 seconds!
 
You don't have to understand Italian to follow the auctioneer:
A Chinese Ming Vase is up for auction. The bidding opens at a half-million Euros.
Bidding is brisk and each bidder is clearly identified as each raises the bid by 100,000 Euros. (The exchange rate
at auction time was 1 Euro = $1.43.) Within seconds, the bid stalls at one million Euros, and the gasp from the crowd identifies the excitement that prevails in the room. The successful bidder is the last one who bid one million ,   and the auctioneer counts down the bid, "Going once, going twice, and sold to the gentleman sitting in front of me for one million Euros."

Now, you are going to have to see the video for yourself.  The auctioneer is exuberant. The pace is fast. This is
how an auction should be run. Please note the excitement on the auctioneer's face after the final bid.
 
Aspirin Cardio: Auction - YouTube

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in South Carolina, asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Darrell, with a proud South Carolina drawl, pierced the quiet and said:

"Well, dumbass, stop clapping!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

THE HAIRCUT
Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for
Him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there
Were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A young man with his pants hanging half off his backside, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say But you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

God said, 'Adam, I Want you to do  Something for  Me.'

Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You Want me to do?' 

God said,
'Go down Into that valley.'

Adam said,

'What's 
a Valley?' 


God explained it to 
him.
 Then God said, 
'Cross the river.'


Adam said, 'What's a 
River?'
 

God explained that 
To him, and then said, 
'Go over to the hill....'
 

Adam said, 'What is a 
Hill?' 


So, God explained to 
Adam what a hill was. 
He told Adam,

'On the other side

of the Hill

you will find a Cave.' 


Adam said, 'What's a 
Cave?'
 

After God explained, 
He said, 'In the cave 
You will find a woman.' 


Adam said, 'What's a 
Woman?'
 

So God explained 
That to him, too. 
Then, God said,

'I Want you 
to Reproduce.'


Adam said,

'How do I do that?' 

God first said (under 
His breath), 'Geez.....'
 

And then, 
just like Everything else,

God Explained that to 
Adam, as well.
 

So, Adam goes down 
Into the valley, 

Across the river, and 
Over the hill, 
into the Cave,

and finds the 
Woman. 

Then, in 
about five Minutes,

he was back. 

God, 
His patience 
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is 
it Now?'
 

And Adam said....
 

*


*

*

'What's a headache?'


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

GRANDPARENTS

1.  She  was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before.  After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"  I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye....

2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.  He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62.   My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked,  "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.  As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin.  Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room,  putting them back to bed with stern warnings.  As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like.  "We used to skate outside on a pond..   I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard.  We rode our pony.  We picked wild raspberries in the woods."
The little girl was wide-eyed,  taking this all in.  At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5.  My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?''  "You're both old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.
"What's it about?" he asked. 
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7.  I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her.  I would point out  something and ask what color it was.  She would tell me and was always correct.  It was fun for me, so I continued.  At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors  yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin,  we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.   Still, a few fireflies followed us in.  Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use Grandpa.  Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9.. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."  "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised  "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what?  We learned how to make babies today."  The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said.  "How do you make babies?" 
"It's simple," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote:  "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant."   The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past.  Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.  The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close."They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived.  "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her.  Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth!  He teaches me good good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny, when they bend over,  you  hear gas leaks and they blame their dog.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

MAMA'S BIBLE

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful Doctors,
Businessmen and Lawyers.

One evening, they chatted after having dinner together. They
discussed the 95th birthday gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who moved
to Florida .

The first said, "You know I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "And I had a large theater built in the house."

The third said, "And I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know
she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this
preacher who told me about a parrot who could recite the entire Bible. It took
ten preachers almost 8 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute
$50,000 a year for five years to the church, but it was worth it
Mama only has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the celebration Mama sent out
her "Thank You" notes.

She wrote: Milton , the house you built is so huge that I live in only one
room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries
delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound and it can
hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing,
and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the
same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give
a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious Thank you so much."

Love, Mama

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -



This is exactly the same look you get from
your friends 
if you tell them you plan to vote for Obama.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

> I finally received my tax return for 2011 back from the IRS.
> It puzzles me!!! They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.I
> guess it was because of my response to the
> question: "List all dependents."I replied: 12 million illegal
> immigrants; 3 million crack heads; 42 million people on food stamps, 2
> million people in over 243 prisons; and
> 535 persons in the U.S. House and Senate, plus 1 useless
> President."Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer. I KEEP ASKING
> MYSELF, WHO DID I MISS?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

MORAL OF STORY: A MOTHER’S WORK IS NEVER DONE. 

A mother went into her son’s bedroom to waken him, because it was nearly time for school. 

“John, get up.  It’s almost time for school”

“Mom, I don’t want to go to school.  Nobody likes me.  Nobody talks to me.  They all talk behind my back”.

“John, that’s no reason not to go to school.  Now, get up and go to school”

“Give me two reasons why I should go to school”.

Reason #1: you’re 52 years old.  Reason #2: you’re the Principal!”.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package. The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter". The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... 

"Try doing it with the engine running."

<>- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

<>> A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the
> middle of the road.
>
> He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps
> right in front of the car.
>
> The driver,
> a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to
> see what has become of the rabbit.
> Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is   DEAD .
>
> The driver feels so awful   that he begins to cry.
> A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on
> the side of the road and pulls over.
>
> She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
>
> "I feel terrible," ! he explains,
> "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."
>
> The blonde says,"Don't worry."
>
> She runs to her car
> and pulls out a spray can.
> She walks over to the limp, dead  Easter Bunny , bends down, and
> sprays the contents onto him.
>
> The  Easter Bunny  jumps up,
> waves its paw at the two of them
> and hops off down the road.
>
> Ten feet away he stops,
> turns around and waves again,
>
> he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves,
>
> hops another ten feet,
> turns and waves,
>
> and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops
> out of sight.
>
> The man is astonished.
> He runs over to the woman and demands,
>
> "What is in that can?
> What did you spray on the Easter Bunny ?"
>
> The woman turns the can around
> so that the man can read the label.
>
> It says..
>
> (Are you ready for this?)
>
> (Are you sure?)
>
> (You know you're gonna be sorry)
>
> (Last chance)
>
> (OK, here it is)
>
> It says,
>
> "Hair Spray
> Restores life to dead hair,
> and adds permanent wave."
>

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
>
> 3 men on a hike
>
> Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon
>
> a large raging, violent river.

> Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:

> 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
>
> Poof! .... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was >
> able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned
>
> twice. 

> After witnessing that, the second man prayed: 'God,
>
> please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.'
>
> Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong
>>
> legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after
>
> almost capsizing once.
>
>
> Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man
>
>
> prayed: 'God, please give me the strength, the tools and

>
> the intelligence to cross the river.'
>
> Poof! .... He was turned into a woman.
> She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and
>
> walked across the bridge. 

>
> GO AHEAD, SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN HANDLE IT!
>
> Moral: 'If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!'  
>

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

SERENITY



Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied...
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?



Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked..
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'



The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs
and have fun finding them.



I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.



I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.



An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart
.
'
Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'



My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.



Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.



It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.



These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'



THE SENILITY PRAYER :

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

To help save the economy, the President will asked next month the Immigration Department to start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.

Implementation of this policy is expected to result in greater efficiency and cost savings, since older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home.

<>I started to cry when I thought of you. 

Then it dawned on me...

Oh, crap!... I'll see you on the bus!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

<>For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2012:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally....

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

CHRISTMAS PARROT 

One 
Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an  unusual
Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot,  named Chet,
which could sing famous Christmas  carols
.

This seemed like the perfect gift. 

"How do I get him to sing?"
the young man asked,  excitedly.
    "Simply 
hold a lighted match directly under his feet" was the shop owner's 
reply.
   The 
shop owner held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot.  Chet  began
to sing:

"Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!"

The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot.  
Then Chet's tune changed, and the air was filled with:

"Silent Night, Holy Night..."

The young man was so impressed that he paid the shopkeeper and ran home as  quickly
as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift  she was
overwhelmed.
 
 
"How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied,  
"But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped  out his lighter
and placed it under Chet's left foot, as the  shop-keeper had shown him,
and Chet  crooned:

"Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!..."

The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot, and out 
came:

"Silent Night, Holy night..."

The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What
if we hold  the lighter between his legs?" The man did not know.
 
 
"Let's try it," he answered, eager to please his wife. 

So they held the lighter between Chet's legs. Chet
twisted his face,  cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly
like it  was the performance of his life:

"Chet's  nuts roasting on an open fire..."


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in
the United States' Capital this Christmas season.

This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find
Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

> Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
>
> British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back- rest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
>
> The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
>
> NASA responded with a one-line memo, "Defrost the chicken." (True story)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A POLISH MOTHER WRITING TO HER SON
(as related by a Polish mother)

Dear Son: Stanley

Just a few lines to let you know that I’m still alive.  I’m writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. 
You won’t know the house when you come home –we’ve moved. 
About your father, he has a lovely new job.  He has 500 men under him.  He’s cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister got herself engaged to that fellow she’s been going out with.  He gave her a beautiful ring with three stones missing. 
Our neighbors, the Browns, started to keep pigs.  We got wind of if this morning. 
I got my appendix out and a dishwasher put in.
There was a washing machine in the new house when we moved in, but it isn’t working too good.  Last week I put 14 shirts into it, pulled the chain, and I haven’t seen the shirts since. 
Your little brother came home from school yesterday crying.  All the boys in the school have new suits.  We can’t afford to buy him a new suit, but we’re going to buy him a new hat and let him look out the window. 
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning.  I haven’t heard yet weather it’s a boy or a girl, so I don’t know weather you’re an aunt or an uncle. 
Your uncle Dick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in Dublin Brewery.  Four of his workmates dived in to save him, but he fought them off bravely.  We cremated his body, and it took three days to put out the fire. 
Kate is now working in a factory in Birmingham.  She’s been there now for 3 weeks.  I’m sending her some clean clothes, as she says she’s been in the same shift since she started.
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father came with me.  The doctor put a small glass tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes.  Your father offered to buy it from him. 
It rained only twice last week.  First for 3 days then for 4 days.  Monday was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg 4 times. 
We had a letter yesterday from the undertaker.  He said if the last installment wasn’t paid on your grandmother within 7 days, up she comes. 
I must close now—the plumber is coming here to repair the pipes, and there’s a schooking smell. 
                                                                           Your loving mother,
                                                                                     Stella

PS.  I was going to send you $10.  but I had already sealed the envelope.  

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

O nly  the I rish  have Jokes L ike T hese

Into  a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd  just
been run over by a train.
His arm is in a  sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and  bruised
and he's walking with a  limp.
"What  happened to you?" asks Sean, the  bartender.
" Jamie  O'Conner and me had a fight," says  Paddy.
"
That  little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do  that
to you, he must have had something in his  hand."
"
That  he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and
a  terrible lickin' he gave me with  it."
"
Well,"  says Sean, "you should have defended
yourself, didn't  you have something in your hand?"
"  That  I did," said Paddy.
"
Mrs.  O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty
it was, but  useless in a fight."

***************************************************
An  Irishman who had a little too much to drink is  driving
home from the city one night and,
of course,  his car is weaving violently all over the  road.

A cop  pulls him over.
"
So,"  says the cop to the driver, where have ya  been?"
"
Why,  I've been to the pub of course," slurs the  drunk.
"
Well,"  says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite
a few to  drink this evening."
"
I did  all right," the drunk says with a  smile.
"
D id  you know," says the cop, standing straight and
folding  his arms across his chest,
that a few intersections  back, your wife fell out of your  car?"
"
Oh,  thank heavens," sighs the drunk.
"
For  a minute there, I thought I'd gone  deaf."


************************************************

Brenda  O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual,
when Tim  Finnegan arrives at her door.
"Brenda, may I come in?"  he asks. "I've
somethin' to tell  ya".
"
Of  course you can come in, you're always welcome,
Tim. But  where's my husband?"
"
That's  what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda."
There  was an accident down at the Guinness  brewery..."
"
Oh,  God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell  me."
"
I must,  Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead
and gone. I'm  sorry."
Finally,  she looked up at Tim.. "How  did it happen, Tim?"
"
It  was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat Of
Guinness  Stout and drowned."
"
Oh  my dear Jesus! But you must tell me the truth,
Tim. Did  he at least go quickly?"
"
Well,  Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to  pee."


***************************************

M
ary  Clancy goes up to Father O' Grady after his  Sunday
morning service, and she's in  tears.
He  says,  " So  what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She  says,  "Oh,  Father, I've got terrible news . My
husband  passed away last night."
The  priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me,  Mary,
did he have any last  requests?"
S he  says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did  he ask, Mary? "
She  says, He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn  gun...'


***********************************************

AND T HE B EST F OR L AST

A drunk  staggers into a Catholic Church, enters
a confessional  booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The  Priest coughs a few times to get his attention
but the  drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the  Priest pounds three times on the wall .
The  drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's
no paper  on this side either!"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the 
new Silverado 2011, 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out 
for a test drive. 

I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become 
extinct...As we took a test drive the salesman (a black man wearing 
an Obama "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat 
describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.. The seats were 
of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm 
air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in 
your butt in the summer heat. 

Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a 
Republican truck. Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought 
it was a Republican truck. I explained that if it were a Democratic truck, 
the seats would blow smoke up your ass year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership.... Damn guy had no sense of humor!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The SC Department of Employment, Division of Labor Standards claimed a small farmer was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to investigate him.

<>GOV’T AGENT: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them.”

FARMER: ”Well, there’s my hired hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.”

<>GOV’T AGENT: “That’s the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one.”

 FARMER: “That would be me.”

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Why Men Wear Earrings
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

(I always wondered how this trend got started)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN


 The day finally arrived.  Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven..

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.

However, the gates are closed,

And Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.


St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,

It is certainly good to see you.  We have heard a lot about you.

I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast,

And we have been administering

An entrance examination for everyone.  

The test is short, but you have to

Pass it before you can get into Heaven.'


Forrest responds, 'It sure is
good to be here, St. Peter, sir.   

But nobody ever told me about any entrance

Exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.

Life was a big enough test

As it was.'


St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I

Know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

 

First:

What two days of the week

Begin with the letter T?

 

Second:

How many seconds are there in a year?

 

Third:

What is God's first name?'


Forrest leaves to think the questions
over.  

He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and

Says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,

Tell me your answers.'


Forrest replied, 'Well, the

First one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?

Shucks, that one is easy.  That would be Today and Tomorrow.'


The Saint's eyes opened wide and

He exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do

Have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit

For that answer.  How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.


'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about

That, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'


Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?

Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds

In a year?'


Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's

Got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '


'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.

  'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,

Though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give

You credit for that one, too.  

Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?


'Sure,' Forrest replied,

'it's Andy.'


'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated

And frustrated St Peter.


'Ok, I can understand how you

Came up with your answers to my first two questions,

But just how in the

World did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'


'Shucks, that was the easiest

One of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'


St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,

And said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

 

Lord, Give me a sense of humor,

Give me the ability to understand a clean joke!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

This is why we love children!

1) NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.'

3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle.'

4) MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5) POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?"   "Yes," I answered and continued writing the report.   "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?"   "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

6) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is that a dog you got back there?' he asked.
'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs... One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: 'Glory be unto the Faaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he goooes.' (I want this line used at my funeral!)

10) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. 'I'm just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!'

11) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called out...
'What have you got there, dear?'
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's underwear!'

NOW IF THIS DIDN'T BRIGHTEN YOUR DAY, GO BACK TO BED AND FORGET IT

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The earthquake that hit Virginia in the summer of 2011 was actually centered in Washington D.C. on "Bush's Fault."  The earthquake actually occurred when the Founding Fathers rolled over in their graves..

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Children, Unknown

Holy Humor
, Unknown

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Here's a story for all of your Italian friends...and Italian "wannabes".

Question: How did Cape Cod get its name? 

Answer:
When the Mayflower was sailing from England to the New World, there was an Italian couple on board.  After many weeks of hardship, the lookout finally called:
"Land Ho", whereupon most of the passengers went to landward side of the vessel...including the Italian husband.  But, sadly, he lost his footing, fell over the railing and disappeared into the Deep. 
His wife, witnessing this, exclaimed: "What a sin!"  But, since she could not speak English, she said it in Italian: "Che peccato".

And there you have it.


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A middle-aged man decides to join Work-Out-World. 
While he is talking with the manager, he sees a fine example of "eye candy" working out.
He asks the manager: "Which machine do you think I should work out on in order to impress her?
The manager looks him over and says: "I would suggest the ATM machine".


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Should a Child Witness Birth?

Here's your answer.
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Matthew, a 5-yr
old boy to hold a flashlight high over his mommy so he could see
while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Matthew did as he was asked. Heidi pushed and
pushed and After a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic
lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Matthew for his
help and asked the wide-eyed 5-yr old what he thought about what
he had just witnessed.
Matthew quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in
the first place..........spank his ass again!"


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England . In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico , which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York . This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to  New York . The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico , who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as -
 
Sinko De Mayo.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Marines and friends of this Marine:

It's the way it was meant to be, I think!

The family of a retired Marine Master Gunnery Sergeant with 32 years in the
Corps reluctantly decided that at age 92, he needed more care than they
could provide. The only decent place close to their home was a nursing home
for retired Army soldiers.

They approached the facility and were told that, while Army vets got first
choice, they would take vets of the other services if there happened to be
an opening; which, by good fortune, there was.

A week after placing the retired Marine there, his sons came to visit. "How
do you like it here, Pop?" they asked.

"It's wonderful," said the old Marine. "Great chow, lots to do, and they
treat everyone with great respect."

"How so, Pop?"

"Well, take Harry, across the hall, 88 and was in the Air Force.  He hasn't
worn the uniform in 30 years, but they still call him 'General.'

"Then George, down the hall, used to lead the Army band. Hasn't conducted a
note in 40 years, but they still call him 'Maestro!'.

"And Bob used to be a surgeon in the Navy, has not operated on anyone in 20
years, but they still call him 'Doctor' "

"That's fine for the other guys, Pop, but how do they treat you?"

"Me? They treat me with even more respect.   I'm 92, haven't had sex in 10
years, and they still call me 'That Fucking Marine!'


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Puns for Educated Minds:

  1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart
  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
  10.  Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
  13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
  15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  17. A backward poet writes inverse.
  18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
  19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
  20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine.
  21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Here is old age at its best...

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. 

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to  find out what had happened to him. 

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?' 

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.' 

'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?' 

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?' 

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'. 

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury!'


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DUI Alabama Style

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes

This is a true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar
in Childersburg , Alabama . After last call the officer noticed a man
leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the
officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he
tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his
car and fall into It.

He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the
bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off- it was a
fine, dry summer night- flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of
times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the
vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained
still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons'
vehicles left.

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled
out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started
up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man
over and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the
breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any
alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to
accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must
be broken.' 'I doubt it,' said the truly proud Redneck. “Tonight I'm
the designated decoy.”


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A good education story.... 

A  former Sergeant, having served  his time with the Marine Corps, took a  new job as a  school teacher, but just before the school year started he injured his  back.
 
He was required to wear a plaster  cast around  the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On  the first day  of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
 
The  smart aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him  and decided to see  how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into  the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his  desk.
 
When  a strong breeze made his tie flap,  he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled  the tie to his chest. 
 
  ......Dead silence... He had no trouble  with discipline that year. 

 
  SEMPER FI!!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

SERENITY

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

'And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?' the reporter asked.

She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia... Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor's permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising.

I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.

I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?

Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief"

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.  Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Always Remember This:

You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A first grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class.  She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. Keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1.

Don't change horses

until they stop running.

2.

Strike while the

bug is close.

3.

It's always darkest before

Daylight Saving Time.

4.

Never underestimate the power of

termites.

5.

You can lead a horse to water but

How?

6.

Don't bite the hand that

looks dirty.

7.

No news is

impossible

8.

A miss is as good as a

Mr.

9.

You can't teach an old dog new

Math

10.

If you lie down with dogs, you'll

stink in the morning.

11.

Love all, trust

Me.

12.

The pen is mightier than the

pigs.

13.

An idle mind is

the best way to relax.

14.

Where there's smoke there's

pollution.

15.

Happy the bride who

gets all the presents.

16.

A penny saved is

not much.

17.

Two's company, three's

the Musketeers.

18.

Don't put off till tomorrow what

you put on to go to bed.

19.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and

You have to blow your nose.

20.

There are none so blind as

Stevie Wonder.

21.

Children should be seen and not

spanked or grounded.

22.

If at first you don't succeed

get new batteries.

23.

You get out of something only what you


See in the picture on the box

24.

When the blind lead the blind 

get out of the way.

25.

A bird in the hand

  is going to poop on you. 

                             And the WINNER and last one!

26.

Better late than

Pregnant



- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Year to date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security. Here are their "discoveries."

Terrorist Plots Discovered           0
Transvestites                              133
Hernias                                   1,485
Hemorrhoid Cases                 3,172
Enlarged Prostates                8,249
Breast Implants                   59,350
Natural Blondes                           3

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; "Son, I don't think you understand our problem here... these coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep... they're eatin' 'em!" The meeting never really got back to order.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A chuckle a day keeps the doctor away.

MONDAY
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex...
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,
'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!'

TUESDAY

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said, 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'
The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'
The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'

WEDNESDAY

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'
'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

THURSDAY

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly. Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.
'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

FRIDAY

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa . 'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?'
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, 'Wedding Cake.'

SATURDAY

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word. His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'
Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'

SUNDAY

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland .. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These' she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What do you do in America with your old goats?'
A spry old gentleman answered, 'They send us on bus tours!

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            New Wine for Seniors

I kid you not....  New Wine for Seniors


California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as


            PINO MORE

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> A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the
> dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 90 mph, enjoying the
> wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
> >
> > 'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down the interstate, pushing the pedal
> even more.
> >
> > Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him,
> lights flashing and siren blaring.
> >
> > He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, what
> am I doing? I'm too old for this,' and pulled over to await the trooper's
> arrival.
> >
> > Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at
> his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If
> you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll
> let you go.'
> >
> > The old man paused. Then said, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a State
> Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.'
> >
> >
> > 'Have a good day, sir,' replied the trooper.
 
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Article published in The Day, Nov 27, 2010
Dr. vs. artichoke: No rest for the stupid
Kenton Robinson
By now, you're probably groaning at the very notion of one more leftover turkey sandwich. ("I'd kill that turkey," you mutter, "if it weren't already dead.") Or you're sickened by the thought of still another dollop of marshmallow-pimpled sweet potatoes. Even your favorite pumpkin pie is starting to taste kind of "samey."
But your gastronomical trials pale beside those of Arturo Carvajal, allegedly an actual doctor of medicine in Miami. You will understand why I say "allegedly" in a moment.
Carvajal is suing a restaurant, because when he ordered an artichoke at said restaurant, the waiter neglected to tell him how to eat it.
Here is what the waiter should have told him:
The artichoke, for you who've never partaken, is the lobster of vegetables. Which is to say, it is a spiky, forbidding thing that will attack you, beat you to within an inch of your life and drive off in your car, unless you have the proper tools to take it apart.
So, for example, while your average artichoke weighs about as much as a small cavoodle, one normally uses forceps, scalpel, clamp, sponge and a bonesaw to dissect it in order to eat the edible fly-speck-sized green vegetal flesh lurking within. Then one throws the rest away.
But the waiter didn't tell him this, and Carvajal, an alleged doctor, ATE THE WHOLE THING.
Which must have taken amazing persistence, given that this would be much like eating an entire lobster, shell, claws, eyeballs and all. The chewing alone must have taken Carvajal far into the night, all the other diners long since gone home and fallen asleep watching Leno, while Carvajal stubbornly worked his jaw.
No surprise then that Carvajal ended up in the hospital, stuffed like a Thanksgiving turkey, where doctors had to remove some 1,253 prickly, leathery artichoke leaves from his bowels.
So now Carvajal is suing.
Because, after all, when you're that stupid, you're too stupid to see how stupid you are to advertise your own stupidity.
Yes, we've read hundreds of stories like this. There's always some idiot who tries to blame someone else for his idiocy. (Why don't these morons ever sue their parents?) And there's always some jury composed of similar idiots who award the idiot a gazillion dollars.
Dear "Doctor" Carvajal: Next time you go out to eat, try the lobster.
This is the opinion of Kenton Robinson.


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This is a very sad story about a bear.  Everybody should heed the warning to not feed wildlife because they become dependent and cannot forage for themselves anymore.
This is such a tragedy to see what they have done to our country's wildlife! The photo below captures a disturbing trend that is beginning to affect US wildlife  . . .



Animals that were formerly self-sufficient are now showing signs of belonging to the Democrat Party..... as they have apparently learned to just sit on their ass and wait for the government to step in and provide for their care and sustenance. This photo is of a Democrat black bear in   Montana nicknamed:

Bearack Obearma.

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Best joke for 2010 so far

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The
devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes.  When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so
Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes.  When she
is finished the devil informs her that the cost is 6 million dollars, so
she writes him a check.

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours.  When he is
finished the devil informs him that the cost is $5.00.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush
got to call the USA  so cheaply.
The devil smiles and replies: "Since Obama took over, the country has
gone to hell, so it's a local call."

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The Singing Anesthesiologists - This one is just too funny!  Listen carefully to the words!

These singers are all Anesthesiologists in  Minnesota and they can really sing.

They are also funny.  Here they sing "Waking up is hard to do"

click on:

http://nottotallyrad.blogspot.com/2009/11/waking-up-is-hard-to-do.html

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A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight..

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one over on them easy.


So the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play
 a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists saying that the game is a lot of fun.  I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5.  Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500, he says.

This catches the senior's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question.  'What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?'

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the senior's turn.  He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'

The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net.

He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.  After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.  The senior pockets the $500 and goes right back to sleep. 

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer.  He wakes the senior up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?'

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Observations on Growing Older, Unknown

Corporate Lessons, Unknown

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the
Promised Land."

Nearly 75 years ago,(when Welfare was introduced) Rooseveltsaid, "Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised
Land."

Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.  I called a Suicide Hotline.  I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Pun Contest Winners, Unknown

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT. SO I WENT TO A SHRINK AND TOLD HIM 'I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy.'

'Just put yourself in my hands for one year,' said the shrink. 'Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears'.

'How much do you charge?'

'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.

'I'll think about it,'  I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. 'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.

'Well, Eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!'

'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'

'He told me to remove the legs of the bed! - Ain't nobody under there now!!!'

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Experience usually trumps!  - GS

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years.   
He had a large pond in the back.   
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple, and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. 

He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. 

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.   

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.  

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. 

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'   

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'
Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'

Some old men can still think fast.

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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him. Larry asked,"Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

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A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry: '9.'

Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry: 'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'

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A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

You're going to love the Dad's reply:
 
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?'




- - - - -

Very good...and much appreciated by an English Major.   GS

> On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The
> certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
> reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
> dysfunction.
>
> After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the
> medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
>
> The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and
> with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and it
> must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When
> you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your
> life, and you can perform as long as you want."
>
> The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I
> stop the medicine from working?"
>
> "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the
> medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
>
> He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved,
> took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in
> the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"
>
> Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
>
> His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked,
> "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
>
> And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a
> preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.


At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars. At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.  Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda DA money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'  The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!  Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?' Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go picka her up." - Unknown


The Older Crowd, Unknown

BARABING!!

The Haircut
 
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
 
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I 
cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.' 
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
 
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
 
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, 
the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing 
community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
 
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank 
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
 
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his 
bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm 
doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and 
left the shop.
 
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen 
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
 
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between 
the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME 
REASON

Court Proceedings, Unknown

          Every once in awhile you hear a good CLEAN joke that you feel obligated to pass along, and this is one of them.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed.  It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside.  He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is speaker Pelosi.

How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Brigid's.  There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"  There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."

Michael Gartner Story, Michael Gartner

> A young Texan grew up wanting to be a law man. He grew up big, 6' 4'', and strong as a longhorn and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces. When he finally became of age he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sherriff's Department.
> After a big mess of tests and interviews the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview.
> The Chief Deputy says, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good.  But we have what you call an 'attitude suitability test' that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge son."
> Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief says, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six ACLU lawyers, six Democrat senators, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, and a rabbit."
> "Why the rabbit?" the young man asked.
> "Great attitude," says the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

Misheard, Unknown

Generation Y, Unknown

Church Bulletin Bloopers, Unknown

DA Cowboy Named Bud, Unknown

Driver's License, Unknown

Vatican Humour, Unknown

Offered by Jay Leno this week...

"Did you know that there is now a male version of Mustang Ranch in Nevada, for women?
For $50., the "escort" will talk dirty to you.
For $100., he will go to bed with you.
And for $200., he will listen to you."

We are in trouble..., Unknown

Nominated as the best short joke of the year (2009):

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

Bob Hope in Heaven, Unknown

Older Women are so Reasonable, Unknown

Old Pilots, Unknown

That's a thigh-slapper...and a keeper.  Thanks.  But I don't need the warning now.  GS

Man of the house

The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'YOU CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'.

He stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife,
"From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is Law.
You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax.
You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands.
Then tomorrow morning, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

The wife replied, "The fuckin' funeral director would be my first guess."

Maxine for President, Unknown

Medical Advice, Unknown

Better than a Flu Shot, Unknown

<>Solutions, Unknown
<>
<>Always thinking (of one thing), these Italians.  GS ---> Confession, Unknown
<>

Health Care Decisions, Unknown

Creation, Unknown

Marriage, Unknown

Greatest Qualities, Unknown

The Wrong B-----, Unknown

The Mensa Invitational, Unknown

Obama does turn as comedian in chief, Unknown

Funeral Cost, Unknown

Older Gentleman, Unknown

Biker and the Lion, Unknown

Incorrect Email, Unknown

One Day Employment, Unknown

A Cure for Snoring, Unknown

Be Careful What you Wish For, Unknown

Irish Jokes, Unknown

Forest Gump Goes to Heaven, Unknown

Misc. Jokes, Unknown

Acts Joke, Unknown

An Athiest in the Woods, Unknown

Forwarded Jokes
, Unknown

Scottish Norwegian Logic, Unknown

First Time
, Unknown

Attorney/Witness Responses, Unknown

Olympic Comments, Unknown

Humor for Lexophiles
, Unknown

Abbott & Costello on Computers, Unknown

Gay Flight Attendant, Unknown

Age and Experience, Unknown

The Pastor's Donkey, Unknown

84 Year Old Bride, Unknown

Breakfast at the White House, Unknown

Tech. Support for Husband, Unknown

Julie Andrews on Aging, Julie Andrews (reportedly)

Italian Pregnancy, Unknown

Demographics of American Newspapers, Unknown

Sumbitch, Unknown

The Pastor, Unknown

Where Did The White Man Go Wrong, Unknown

When Grandma Goes to Court, Unknown

Broke Back Mountain Lady, Unknown

Irish Diet, Unknown

How to Call the Police, Unknown

An Irish Observance of Lent, Unknown

[Updated] Short (i.e., not long) Jokes, Various

Why did the chicken cross the road?, Unknown

Political Science, Unknown

Old Jack Russell, Unknown

Hymn, Unknown

Friends, Unknown

Finklestein and Jesus, Unknown

Woman as Explained by Engineers (.pdf), Various

Senior Humor, Various

[Updated] Military Wisdom, Various

Best Singles Ad, Unknown

Nativity Scene, Unknown

[Updated] Overheard on Air Traffic Control Frequencies

Husband Store, Unknown

Physician Diagnoses, Unknown

Living Will, Unknown

Who Do You Marry, Unknown

Irish Ghost Story, Unknown

New Wal-Mart Greeter, Unknown

Giving Up Wine, Unknown

Letter from a Farm Kid, Unknown

What Do You Remember?, Various

Military Wisdom, Various

The Marine, Unknown

Getting Older, Various

Blonde Joke, Various

Ageless Wit, Various

Math Today, Unknown

Car Radio, Unknown

Ten Dollars, Unknown

Driving, Unknown

College Daze, Unknown

Grandkids, Unknown

Retirement, Unknown

Fishing, Unknown

Politicians, Unknown

Wisdom, Unknown

The Tomato Garden, Unknown

Munchies for Thought, Unknown

Republican or Democrat?, Unknown

Capitalism and Cows, Unknown

Old-fashioned Marriage, Unknown

Frenchisms, Various Authors

"The World According to Carlin", by George Carlin

"Euro-English Agreement"

"Did you hear the one about..." the Sunday NYTimes carrying a section called"Night Lines", quoting the likes of Jay Leno, Conan O'Brien Jimmy Kimmel and Jon Stewart?  (See Sunday, July 17, 2005, Wk, p2).   Very funny.  One example from Jimmy Kimmel:  "Brad Pitt is in the hospital.  Nurses say it's not anything serious, although just to be on the safe side, they've already given him 11 sponge baths."
But that's nothing.  I know a nurse (my wife) who used to tell her young buck patients: "I'll wash down as far as possible.  I'll wash up as far as possible.  You wash 'Possible'".
GS

"Service"

Room Service

Headlines: 2035

Engineer Bashing

What every Italian - American, and everyone with such a friend, knows

"Just what the doctor ordered"...and for all who like "black humor": see www.placebojournal.com

French Military Prowess Revisited

Computers and Cars

Art Linkletter used to say "People are Funny".   That's not the entire story.  See the article by Kenton Robinson in The Day (theday.com), Sunday, December 21, 2003, entitled: "Oh, what a year it was" (Daybreak, pG1).  Since we all belong to the same genus and species, these stories made me wince.
GS

Things to Ponder

Governmentium

Legalese Night Before Christmas

Misc. Jokes

Carlinisms

Secrets to a Great Relationship

Disorder in the Court

"How to Keep a Healthy Level of Insanity"

Marriage

Talk Show Hosts Regarding September 11, 2001

A Herd of Cats

"Alco's Letter" as Reported by PhotoBay