"Did you see President Bush throw out the first pitch of game two of the World Series? The White House said it was a strike. The Taliban said it missed and killed several innocent people."
-David Letterman

"There are now rumors that the Taliban has been poisoning the food we have been dropping. We should make a deal with the people of Afghanistan.  We'll taste your food, you check our mail."
-Jay Leno

"President Bush has announced twice last week he does not have anthrax.  Remember the good old days when the only thing we worried about the president catching was herpes?"
-Jay Leno

"Today, down in Washington, the FBI stopped a heavyset, unemployed bearded guy. Turned out to be Al Gore."
-David Letterman

  "Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said this week there's a good chance we'll never get bin Laden. bin Laden! We couldn't even get O.J.!"
-Jay Leno

"I went to see that movie 'From Hell,' or as Osama bin Laden calls it -'Roots.'"
-Jay Leno

"I'm having a pretty good day so far. Got up early - took my cipro. Then I irradiated my mail and I'm good to go. I'm telling you, even if people sent me mail, I wouldn't be opening it now. Don't kid yourself, that e-mail isn't safe either. I turned on AOL today and that guy came on and said 'Welcome, you've got anthrax.'"
-David Letterman

"Do you remember the good ol' days when Congress was only unsafe if you were an intern."
-David Letterman

"Big sports news today. New world record in the 100-yard dash. It was set by 435 congressmen running from the Capitol."
-Jay Leno

"The big question now is who will take power in Afghanistan once the Taliban is defeated. I was thinking, how about Al Gore? He's not doing anything, he needs a job, and he's already got the beard."
-Jay Leno.

"Know what the Taliban leaders like to do for fun? Just sit around and get bombed."
-Jay Leno

"Somebody said, 'What good will it do to kill Osama bin Laden?' I said, 'I don't know, let's find out.'"
-Don Imus

"You read about all these terrorists, most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10-15 years. Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and these people are all over you. Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration.
-Jay Leno

"We are getting more and more insight into the life of Osama bin Laden.  Today the Saudi Arabian ambassador to the United States said that bin Laden had an unhappy childhood growing up, 52 brothers and sisters. Youthink his childhood was unhappy, wait 'til we deliver his mid-life crisis."
-Jay Leno

"People want to say there isn't racial profiling at the airport, but let's be honest. If you first name is Mohammed, and your last name isn't Ali, leave a little extra time."
-Jay Leno

"What we know about Osama bin Laden is this -- he's worth $300 million, he has five wives and 26 kids ... and he hates Americans for their 'excessive' lifestyle."
-David Letterman

"More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism."
-Jay Leno

"This Osama bin Laden guy, spoiled rich kid worth $300M. I have three words for this guy: Anna Nicole Smith. We send her over there, she'll get his money, he'll be dead in a week."
-Jay Leno

"It was reported today that Osama Bin Laden has 50 brothers and sisters.  Which absolutely shocked me because I had no idea he was Catholic."
-Conan O'Brien

"Things have really changed here in Hollywood. Used to be people in this town couldn't wait to get an envelope full of white powder."
-Jay Leno

"I don't mean to harp on this, but it's like the networks are a how-to manual for terrorists. You see them on the news. This reporter is standing outside a water treatment plant, going, 'If they poured the poison here it could wipe out thousands because the guard is off duty from noon until 1 every day!'"
-Jay Leno

"The FBI is urging all Americans to beware of any letters or packages that have badly misspelled words. Man, this is going to be terrible news for the rap industry."
-Jay Leno

"In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders."
-Jimmy Fallon on Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update

"Tomorrow night on NBC a very special episode of West Wing, it makes a direct reference to what happened in New York City. The exact plot is being kept top secret. We are the only country in the world where we put our battle plans on CNN, but the plots to our TV shows are top secret."
-Jay Leno

"There was a rumor that Jesse Jackson was going to go over there to talk  with the Taliban; apparently they were having trouble rhyming the word Jihad."
-Jay Leno

"Now this really annoys me: All these people getting on the Internet and saying Nostradamus predicted this. If Nostradamus were alive today his name would be Miss Cleo and he'd be charging $2.99 a minute."
-Jay Leno