DEAD MAN
A woman is standing nude looking in the
bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to
her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really
need you to pay me a compliment.”
The
husband replied, “Your eyesight's good.”
WISEACRE #1
A lady was picking through the frozen
turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for
her family. She asked a stock boy, '”Do these turkeys get any
bigger?”
The
stock boy replied, “No ma'am, they’re dead.”
WISEACRE #2
The police officer got out of his car as
the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I've been waiting for you all day,” the officer said.
The
kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When
the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.
WISEACRE #3
A truck driver was driving along on the
freeway and noticed a sign that reads: “ Low Bridge Ahead.”
Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck
gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally
a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”
The
truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of
gas.”
CHAOS—NO JOKE
There's a surgeon, an architect and an
economist.
The
surgeon said, “Look, we're the most important. God's a surgeon
because the very first thing God did was to extract Eve from Adam's
rib.”
The
architect said, “No, wait a minute, God is an architect. God made the
world in seven days out of chaos.”
The
economist smiled, “And who made the chaos?”
HISTORY LESSON
Do you know what happened 158 years ago
last fall... back in 1850?
California
became a state. The people had no electricity. The state
had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were
gunfights in the streets.
So
basically nothing has changed except the women had real boobs and the
men didn't hold hands.
BAROCKY ROAD ICE CREAM
It's half vanilla, half chocolate,
surrounded by fruits and nuts.
THE FINAL NUMBERS ARE IN FROM THE INAUGURATION:
1,672,328 Obama supporters attended the
ceremony. Only 9 had to miss work.
THE BRIEFING
The Dept Of Defense briefed the president
this morning, they told OBAMA that 2 Brazilian soldiers were killed in
Iraq .
To
everyone's surprise, all the color drained from Obamaʼs face.
Then he collapsed onto his desk, head in his hands, visibly shaken,
almost in tears.
Finally,
he composed himself=2 0and asked, 'Just how many is a brazilian?'
MIRACLE ON THE HUDSON
I never thought I would enjoy watching the
news about an airplane crash. But the Lord works in mysterious
ways, and with a sense of humor!
First:
No one died!
Second:
The passengers standing on the wing appeared to be walking on water!
Third:
It removed Obama from the headlines for 24 hours!
Fourth:
No one in the government could take credit for the miracle!
and
Fifth: It wasn't George Bush's fault!