An Irish priest is transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new

Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep

breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying

dead in the middle of his front lawn.

He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones.

How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Fadder O'Malley at St.

Brigid's. Dere's a jackass lyin dead on me front lawn. Would ye be so

kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of da matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,

"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of

last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then

replied: "Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the

next of kin."

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A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box .'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that you didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

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There once was a religious Irish young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

 The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

 The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

 The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

 The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

 The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,

Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?'


Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

 Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

 Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

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 An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Irish-Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I ain't Catholic, I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Then why are you telling me all this?'

Man:  'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!