News flashes just in for the year 2035.

• Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, California
• White minorities still trying to have English recognized as California's third language
• Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock
• Baby conceived naturally...Scientists stumped
• Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage
• Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Afghanistan, Syria, and Lebanon)
• Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels
• France pleads for global help after being overtaken by Jamaica
• Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be importedmlegally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking
• George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036
• Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only
• 35 year study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss
• Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs
• Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative
• Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights
• Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches
• New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters, and rolled up newspapers must be registered by January 2036
• Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political contributions to campaign accounts
• Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman
• IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%
• Florida Democrats still don't know how to use a voting machine